Memorial to Xander Smith

Xander
was a great guy. The opportunities I had to speak and interact with him
were always memorable. He made me laugh a lot, and that's the best gift
anyone could give me.

I love you more than anything on God's Green Earth.Linger forever,Grandma

Late
night conversations added a huge insight into my thoughts and feelings
about the people that come in and out of my life. I will always
treasure that you were one of them.

I
am not sure who this was because it was emailed to me by a friend but
life is something that should be cherished because it is only here
once. I have a hard time appreciating life because love is so hard to
find and it's all that I look for. It scares me how young he was and
makes me think how it could be me and all I would die with is the
memory of love.

I wrote the last message and forgot to type in my name and email.

I
just found out about Xander tonight and it is something tragic to hear
about. Xander was a great guy and was always there for you when you
needed him. I am glad to have said that Xander was a friend and I know
he is in heaven watching down upon us. My prayers go out to him and his
family.

As
both a friend and former roommate, I am so grateful to have had Xander
in my life. Compassion, respect and concern for others were of second
nature to him. He had such a warm light in his spirit and incredible
energy to his heart; you could just feel his enthusiasm for life
influence you. Whenever I was feeling down or upset, he always just
knew the right words to say to make me smile or laugh. Our late night
conversations on life, love, religion, and all things in-between
provided me with a new way of understanding myself and what life was
really about. He always told me to be true to myself, my friends and my
passion. Xander's passion for his music inspired and moved me. I always
enjoyed sitting with him as he worked on the lyrics for a new song. One
of my favorite songs he wrote helped me get through a very difficult
time in my life. The song precisely captured my feelings and it was
comforting to know he could understand exactly what I was feeling. It
was entitled "Left Too Soon." I never would have ever imagined how
symbolic that song would become for such a talented and gifted artist.
Xander, may you live on through your music and poetry. You will always
be deeply loved; you will always be deeply missed.

Dear
Smith family: Our heart goes out to each and every memeber of your
family and friends. Xander was a wonderful young man that we all grew
to love and respect as a student while at Annie Camp and at JHS. This
was certainly a tragic thing and very hard to accept for us all, but
please know that each and every one of you are in our prayers at this
time and will continue to be for days to come. Please remember that God
will comfort you through this and continue to gain strength from that.Jim EllisAnnie Camp staff

Though
I only met Xander a few times, he made such an impression even the
first time in the library that I never forgot him. I was often amused
by his mannerisms, but mostly impressed by his unflinching positive
outlook any time I saw him. I wish I had got to know him better because
he seemed like a genuinely good person, which is something you don't
see all that often. He will be missed.

Never
the right time, but always the right words. Proof that life, love and
respect are boundless. You will be missed, my friend.

A sparkling gem and a wonderful talent who made an impression to everyone on Earth and will continue to do so in Heaven.Much Love,Brian

To
The Smith Family: My prayers go out to you and Xander, as he was a very
talented and caring young man. He was loved so much, and will be
greatly missed.

Xander- I will miss u my friend, may u be at peace. My prayers go out to your Family.

Xander... You were truly an interesting and gifted person. I only regret that I didn't know you beyond class.One never knows why things happen, but I am sure God has melodic plans for you!

Knowing
Xander was a pleasure. He was always a bright person, and always made
me laugh. Its hard to believe that hes gone. When my mom passed away
Xander was there for me, and help me. I always knew i could talk to
him. Even though i only met him a couple of times, im blessed that i
got the chance.My Prayers go out to his family and friends.

Although
I only knew Xander online and from occassional phone conversations I
knew him to be a wonderful person full of life, love, and compassion.
When I first got the email I didn't want to believe it and even now I
still sit here in disbelief. My prayers go out to your family and
friends left behind. And may you find peace in the hereafter.

Xander
touched so many people with his exuberant personality and true love for
people. He had an amazing voice and was a natural born performer. He
will be truly missed but hopefully his spirit and ideas will live on
through his music.

Xander
was so blessed with so many talents you couldn't write them all down.
He will be missed by many. His memory will live on forever.

To
Xander's Family- my heart and prayers go out to you. Xander enriched my
life in so many ways, and I'll never forget all the wonderful times we
had- from the dress rehearsals at the Forum to our high school trip to
London. Xander was so special beyond what words can describe, and I'll
love him forever.

I
only met Xander a few times, and saw him perform once, but it was
spectacular. He was a wonderful person, and there is no doubt that he
will be missed much. My condolences go out to his family and his close
friends. Rely on each other in this time of need and sorrow. Love and
God Bless...

I
only spoke with him once and that was enough to know that he was a
Great Man! I heard his music and wanted to work with him although it
never came to be. There are no words that can truly express how I feel
about his passing. I regret that I never got to know you and my heart
aches for those who were close to you. May Peace Always Be With You,
Your Family, and Your Friends.

Dee:When I look back over 72 years, I am struck by how many of the
best and brighest left this world Far before their alloted time.
Perhaps we just notice them more because of the lost potential.Your best memorial to him would be to carry on, to do your best to live as he would have wanted it.My heart goes out to you.

The last year that I taught at JHS, I had the pleasure of having Xander in one of my classes.I recently moved to a different house and ran across a letter that
Xander had written me, expressing how much he appreciated the knowledge
that I had shared with him and that he would miss me.What he may not have realized is that he was a blessing to me--a
daily reminder of what a young man can become when he has focus and a
sense of purpose in his life. I saw in Xander many of the things that I
wish I would have been as a young man.While I mourn his passing, I also know that he is now cradled in the arms of the Savior.

Wilma,
Dee, and Bob: You know how special Xander was. It is not often enough
that someone comes along in one's life that is so unique. I believe he
was born to bring a smile to everyone he met. His eyes twinkeled upon
greeting, his music was an extension of himself, and his laughter was
contagious. He loved music. He gave to it and gave it back to us, and
he brought sunlight in each room that he visited. Class could begin
routinely, but when Xander arrived, we all knew it. He always made us
laugh and really enjoy ourselves. I remember when he was a senior, he
felt so passionate about life and music and the poetry of the text that
we were working on that particular rehearsal, that he went into this
wonderful tirade of expression spontaneously and simply captivated all
of the Camerata Singers that day. When he finished, everyone was quite
and then suddenly applauded his passionate teaching of what the
composer's intent had been when giving us this powerful tool to
communicate with. He so wanted each person in the choir to "get it"!! I
loved him. He inspired me so. From the time he was merely 11 and began
piano lessons until he graduated and beyond, I knew we had something in
this young man. I recognized his composer's heart early because he
couldn't wait to hurry up and finish the lesson so he could then play
for me "his" music. At 11-can you imagine that!! Some people live much
longer and do not leave the mark that Xander left with his music,
poetry, and his joy for living in his short 22 years. Blessings to you
and all of Xander's family and know that we shall always remember
Xander because he made it impossible not to. He was remarkable and
selfless and gifted. I am fortunate to have had the privilege of being
his teacher and friend.

Xander
was a delight to know. He always brought laughter and delight to our
home when he came to visit Tim. We are all saddened by his tragic
death. The world has lost a bright spot. Xander will be missed.Holly and Rick Bowen

Like
a lot of people, I only met Xander a few times, but in those few times
I felt such energy from him. Great personality, and passion for what he
did. He was a great example of determination, and will. He will be
missed. My love, thoughts, and prayers are with the family. May you
have peace in one another. God Bless.

This
was one of my Mother's favorite poems. She wanted it read at her
funeral, but we couldn't find it. With the power of the internet, I
found it a few years ago. Reading it gives me comfort. I hope it helps
all of you mourning the loss of Xander too.Do not stand by my grave and weepby Mary E. FryeDo not stand at my grave and weep:I am not there. I do not sleep.I am a thousand winds that blow.I am the softly falling snow,I am the gentle showers of rain,I am the field of ripening grain.I am in the morning hush,I am in the grateful rushOf beautiful birds in circling flight.I am the starshine of the night.I am in the flowers that bloom.I am in a quiet room.I am in the birds that sing.I am in each lovely thing.So do not stand by my grave and cry.I am not there.I did not die.

I met Xander a few times, and he was always a ray of smiles. Always very sweet. Much love to his family

I
only knew Xander for a year, but it felt like I had known him a
lifetime. I have never known anyone so full of life, energy, love, and
talent. He was truly a blessing and a gift from God. He will always
hold a special place in my heart. God bless you Xander, and I know we
will meet again!

The
day I found out about Xander's untimely passing, I began to cry. Bad
things shouldn't happen to good people. He touched everyone that knew
him and even some that didn't. He will be greatly missed.Love ya Xander... Josh

Hi.
Reading the messages on this page I am truly elated. Xander is a
wonderful person that has obviously touched many people and who's
infinite spirit will conitinue to bring joy. I believe this is
something Xander understood, ENERGY IS INFINITE. I enjoyed all the
times we had man, your understanding of esoteric concepts and your
ability to communicate them has been inspiring. Love jarrod.

I
had the pleasure of meeting xander quite a few times. I enjoyed his
style of music, his creativity, his laugh and his smile. he was always
so sincere and knew how to make a room glow. i feel a loss today, as do
so many others. my heart goes out to his loved ones.

Xander,
I will never forget what a nice person you are. I still have that cd
you made for me "SMILE". Although I'm sad that you are no longer with
us, I find peace in knowing that you are forever with GOD! You will be
missed!

Xander
was a unique individual. He was kind and honest, possessing a quick wit
and a questioning mind. You could always count on his cute smile
cheering you up! A truely talented individual that touched us all with
his music and poetry, which we will cherish forever. Xander you will be
missed tremendously. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of his
friends and family.

My
deepest sympathy and condolences go out to the family and friends of
Xander. Xander was one of those very rare individuals that saw
something good in nearly everything. He had an unbelievably warm and
kind heart. I'm glad I got to know you Xander. Keep singing :)Reed

Xander
became a friend during his time in Nashville. I never met someone who
could light up the room like Xander did, with just a flash of his
smile. His music was also inspiring. I would always get excited when I
had the chance to talk to him on the phone or exchange computer
greetings - casue I always knew he had that smile on his face. My that
smile watch over all of us from heaven above, and to the Smith family
may God wrap you in his arms and comfort you.

Xander, I'm so sorry. It had nothing to do with you. I'm just a lame friend. You truely were Xanderiffic.

Gone but never forgotten. He will live in the hearts of many for all time.

I
became friends with Xander while he lived in Nashville and had the
honor of being his friend for several years. On many occasions I was
able to see him bring joy, love, and laughter into the lives of many of
his friends. He was an honest, kind,loyal, genuine person who comforted
and encouraged me at serveral dark points in my life. I can honestly
say that my life is better for him having been a part of it and i will
miss him dearly. My heart goes out to his family and all those close to
Xander.

I
taught xander in my lst year teaching at Jonesboro High School. He was
a very talented musician and great student with a great personality. My
prayers and thoughts are with you."Music, when soft voices die vibrates in the memory"God Bless You

i love you aunt wilma

This is the worst news... Dee I want to hug you so bad!

I'll
never see a 'no swimming' sign without thinking of you Xander. Even at
that young age you knew what you wanted and went for it. I love you
very much, and am so glad you came to the lake over the 4th so I could
tell you how much, it had been way too long since I had told you .
Thank you for giving me that chance. So goodbye for now sweetheart, but
I know it won't be forever. YEAH SWIMMING SURE.

Even
though I only met you a few times, you still have a place in my heart.
He liked to do some things I like to do, such as music. I love you aunt
Wilma.

Hmmmm.
Kinda hard to know what to say. If only i was more like zander id have
the perfect words to say to make everyone smile. Me an zander were more
alike than most people i've known. Music, philosophy, and in just all
around mind set. Not afraid to stand for your beliefs, despite what the
world thought. well i dont know what else to say except, See ya on the
other side cuz. Tell grandpa i said hi.

I
am not a man of many words, I only know you were and are loved deeply
not only by your family and friends but by the many you have touched
with your words and song.We that knew you will always wonder what could
or would have been.You will always be with us until we are with you.(You have gave some means to the meaningless and had a point to having lived)

Sincere condolences to all who knew him. He was a kind man who seemed very happy. may the blessing of GOD follow his family.

I
only meet him a week ago, but I will miss the late chats we had! I only
wish that I had, had the opportunity to get to know him as well as all
of you had! I am grateful for this site, it has given me the
opportunity to get to know the person that touched you all so much!

I
have lots of fond memories of Xander during his Jr. High years. I
always enjoyed going with the FBLA to competition at ASU. Xander would
always keep everyone in line and encourage them to do their best. He
was full of life, energy, and laughter. Even though I haven't seen him
in a few years, his grandma would keep me updated on what he was doing.
He was truly the light of her life. She just beams when talking about
Xander. She is one proud Grandma! May beautiful memories of a life
lived to its fullest linger, and the shadow of pain be lessened each
passing day. My prayers are with you.

Xander
is and was my best friend, this whole disaster came at a very very bad
time. A time when Xander was ready to be free as an adult, someone who
is the most brilliant person I've managed to meet in my life... well
his life was something many people looked forward to greatly. The death
is a tragedy and nearly an insult delivered upon us by reality. The
future music and joy that someone as purely unique as Xander brings us
all... is sadly stopped short by an unfortunate accident, related to
some drunk guy with a truck stopped in the freeway. After something so
Completely Horrible I only hope we all survive and live a joyful life.
Feeling that it is somehow our responsibility to be happy, fulfill our
dreams, and spread the joy in the world that was one of Xander's
foremost goals. I will go on to have a wonderful life, I hope we all
do, while remembering someone who was by far one of the most precious
people to ever exist. With all of my love, and a lot of sadness yet to
sink in.. Justin

Xander,The vision I have of you is as a little boy, around 4, squirming to
get out of Uncle Bobs arms when I was trying to take a picture of you
all. The feeling I have of you begins in the light I have always seen
in Aunt Wilmas eyes or heard in her voice when she spoke of you. That
feeling continues when I read that so many others also have that light
in their eyes and their hearts, only it was a reflection of your light.
While it seems that you are gone, you are still here. Your light beams
from all those you touched.To Dee, Aunt Wilma, and Uncle Bob, there are not enough words or
flowers or hugs or anything of this earth that can convey the ache I
feel for you. Please know that I love you! Remember, you are not alone.
This website proves that. Hugs!!! (!)

Xander,The vision I have of you is as a little boy, around 4, squirming to
get out of Uncle Bobs arms when I was trying to take a picture of you
all. The feeling I have of you begins in the light I have always seen
in Aunt Wilmas eyes or heard in her voice when she spoke of you. That
feeling continues when I read that so many others also have that light
in their eyes and their hearts, only it was a reflection of your light.
While it seems that you are gone, you are still here. Your light beams
from all those you touched.To Dee, Aunt Wilma, and Uncle Bob, there are not enough words or
flowers or hugs or anything of this earth that can convey the ache I
feel for you. Please know that I love you! Remember, you are not alone.
This website proves that. Hugs!!! (!)

Xander
Smith. Words fail me, but I will try to command them as he deserves at
least the attempt. Xander always sent out immense amount of positive
energy, of love, in every direction as he pushed forward through his
life for which he treated as if it were the grandest adventure. I count
myself so lucky to have known him. While this may seem an exaggeration,
it is not; Xander is the reason I have faith in the world. It was
through he that I learned that there is one thing for which we must
have faith each other. He made me believe that we control how positive
this world truly is. I was enlightened through his words and ideas that
the best balance any of us could ever have would be to embody the
fearless and never ending curiousity of a child, the inspiring and
positive ideals of a teenager, and the time-earned wisdom of an adult.
It was Xanders belief that the only viable and truly productive
reaction to the negative energy and horrible events that occur in our
world is to smile larger, love more, and embody that which we want to
be reality. It is because of this that his death isnt meaningless to
me.People talk about how their loved one would want this, or would
want that. I can say without any doubt in my soul that Xander would
want us to celebrate that which was his amazing life, instead of mourn
an ending. Xander always knew that we should not mourn an ending
because that which he believed is true and we must celebrate the
beginning of his legacy. A legacy that will continue in each of us that
he touched. It will be in the memory of Xander and in dedication to his
beautiful ideals that I will press forward through this adventure that
is life with the strength of positivity, the ideals of kindness, and
the thought that we are all bound together as one.I don't know how I'll deal with this loss. I know how I should deal
with it. However, it is so very hard to continue on in a world that
destroys one of it's few beacons of light. The world is a much dimmer
place without Xander. My world is a much darker thing without him. I
will struggle now to make up for his light...although I may never live
up to it, I think he would want me to try, and thus I shall.-All my heart and soul, Liam

Xander,You always appreciated the power I had to express myself in words,
but I'm afraid I'm a bit at a loss right now. You were truly a light in
my life and in the world. I will always remember the time we spent
together. I will always treasure what you taught me and what we shared.
Everytime I read Rumi, I think of you and shall always remember you.
Foremost, you taught me the power of love.Everytime I go to 80s night and hear "Like A Prayer," I think of
you and always shall. You truly were a rara avis, a rare bird. I shall
always treasure my time with you; time spent discussing poetry, writing
music, and just hanging out. You'll always be a part of me, as well as
everyone who knew you.I don't really no what else to say, so I'll end with a line from Catullus (that Roman poet I'd always quote)."Atque in perpetuum, frater, ave atque vale.""And in eternity, brother, hail and farewell."

Xander,You saw the inner beauty in me that I never saw a few years back. I
know, I am not the only one. I thank you for that. I have a lot of
great memories with you. My favorite of course, is just we enjoyed each
other's magnificence. How beautiful is that? I like others were afraid
of that light that shined in the darkness - but you? Never... Never any
regrets. You are a great work of god. I still can feel that
magnificence run through my veins. "I want to drive - drive so fast
-right into the past the way you rode with me." You are still here with
us in your music, writings and those infamous happy spiritual meetings.
Keep up the inspirations!I love you!

dear WILMA, AND DEE, I AM SOO VERY SORRY TO HEAR THIS AWFUL NEWS,I STILL FEEL VERY CLOSE TO YOU ALL , MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU ALLIF ANYTHIGN AT ALL I CAN DO FEEL FREE TO GIVE ME A CALLLOVE AND PRAYERS TO YOU ALL- LOVE SHIRLEY

I
only knew Xander very briefly, when I first came out of my shell as a
teenager. He was a very warm and loving soul, and I regret that I did
not get to know him as well as others. I heard one of his songs,
"Drive", years ago, and it has always lingered in the back of my mind--
I will never forget you. Thank you for being my friend.Carter

Does the morning dew ask "why me?' when struck by the sun that will soon evaporate it? No, it simply sparkles in the light.Well, it made sense a minute ago....

I'm
sorry I didn't get to meet Xander. He meant so much to so many that you
can't help but feel cheated. Perhaps another time, another place. In
the meantime my thoughts are with all his loved ones. Regardless of the
tragedy, they are extraordinarily gifted to have known him in his brief
stay in this world.

Xander,Im gonna miss you man. We havent talked much in the past year but
those few years at Belmont here in Nashville you were a great friend
and an amazing inspiration to me in the most infinite capacity. You
always saw the glass half full and always believed there was hope when
all looked hopeless. You'll never know how you touched my life in the
few years we knew each other. This very day the CD you made me and
titled "Soak up the SUN" sits in my cd changer. There is hardly a time
when I bask in the healing ray's of sunshine that I dont think about
how you taught me to appreciate the small things in life. Now your
shining down your light on this dark world and its our turn to pay it
forward and carry your torch you so proudly held. Thank you for
teaching me to speak with my heart and not with my mind. Thank you for
teaching me to see the ME in me. I'll never forget you. The world is a
better place because of you. Your legacy will live in the hearts of all
of us you've inspired forever. I'll close with a line from Vince
Gill,"Go Rest High On That Mountain".With all my heart I thank youClay (wes) Nashville

Xander! I'm sorry.

I
have known Xander since the 6th grade.When me and him entered into Jr.
High me and Xander became very close friends.The reason being is that
me and him were in choir together for six years from 7th-12th
grade.Now,when I met Xander I thought to myself,this is a kid with lots
of enthusiasum and joy in his life.Xander was the type of guy that if
you were down and out,he was the one guy that could always cheer you
up.I got the honor and privilege to stand and sing in choir with Xander
for many years.I will never forget the time when a dance came up,he
wore his Coca-Cola disco pants ,LOL!!Xander I think I speak for
everyone when I say,that you inspired us all.To all of Xanders family
my heart and prayers are with you always.Xander it was a privilege
singing with you for 6 years and most of all it was an honor being your
friend.I thank God for getting to meet you and being a part of your
life.I am going to miss you buddy.Xander,MY GOD BLESS YOU MY FRIEND AND
GODS SPEED!!!Jonesboro High School Class Of 2000!!

I
didn't know Xander except through stories I would hear from family. I
hadn't seen him since I was a little girl, but I remember playing with
him at family reunions. Now, I feel so cheated like everyone else. I
wish I had the time or the opportunity to have really known him. He
seemed to have such a light. He's not only missed by the people who
knew him, but also by those who didnt'.

When
I think of Xander, I think of passion...for life, for music, for God,
for nature, for words and poetry, for love, and for seeing the good in
other people. He taught me to think just a little beyond my own
capacity so I could see the rest of the world in a whole new way. His
zest for life was contagious. The memories keep flooding back to all
the times we got to spend together, and I realize that each interaction
held a new lesson for me to learn. I only regret that I did not thank
him for all he taught me then.In losing Xander, we all have an empty spot in our hearts and
lives. But that void can be enveloped in his legacy...his music, his
poetry and the memory of his smile... to help take the hurt away and
replace it with the gift he has given us all.I'll always remember you, buddy. Whenever I'm drinking a SoBe Mr.
Green soda or driving down Haywood Lane in Nashville, you be there with
me.

I
met Xander in 2nd grade, and even at 7 years old, I knew he was unique.
Conversations never involved gossip about people, like it often can in
school yards. Xander never had time for these conversations. He was
much too busy coming up with new 'games' we would play involving
wizards, warlocks, and of course, music. If Xander was anything, he was
passionate. He never did anything with half his energy. His imagination
was incredible, and I have never met a better dreamer in my life. But
if there was one thing Xander treasured most in life, it was his
relationships. He saw in each and every one of his friends something
beautiful, something unique, something worthy and capable of love. He
had an uncanny ability to discover and bring out the best in people.
Discussing his relationships with other people, he never dwelt on
negatives or problems, but focused on those beautiful things he could
see in people (even things we sometimes could not see ourselves). And
although it is almost unbearable to think of living the rest of my life
without Xander, I can still feel his spirit inside, encouraging me to
become the incredible person he knew I would become. I'll miss you
Xander. Love always, Ben

Xander, I love the memories of you...gentle, creative, eccentric, attractive, bizarresweet, sexy, scared, self-conscious, hotdynamic, always musical, loud, animated.softly still and quiet when sleepingyou would re-energize.only who would be the fortunate to share you?you could disappear into yourself, your music,your diverse public and private- your fanbase.So much gratitude for my share of youexists and stunts the growing painsaccepting that even the worthyare now as unfortunate.What for your words, all of them not understood,you in a song, on a page, still in my headbliss that won't soon fade.

I
met Xander in the 9th grade at Annie Camp Jr. High. It wasn't until our
sophomore year at JHS that we really got to know each other. We ate
lunch together along with some some of his and our friend Candaces'
friends. I attribute my best year of H.S. to these people as well him.
I also attribute passing 10th grade biology to him. You see Xander
could make up any song on the spot. And when we studied photosynthsis
he made up this little song called "Photosynthesis of the Heart." As
you can tell by the title it was a completely silly song, but it so
completely worked. And every now and then the only three lines I can
remember of that song is "Photosynthesis of the Heart . .
.Photosynthesis of the Heart . . .We'll be together through the Dark
Reactions." And when I get that song stuck in my head I will probably
roll my eyes, but I will thank Xander for the silliness he has put in
my life and smile.Xander has inspired me in so many ways. But the ways I can think
of most are to be more tolerant, open-mided, and to be a better writer.
I envied him for his musical talents in school. I envied him for a lot
of reasons. But I liked him because he encouraged me to be the best
possible person I could be.

I
am Xander's cousin. I knew him in a different way than most people who
have left their thoughts here. When he was a small child I knew him
from seeing him at family get togethers with Aunt Wilma and Uncle Bob.
I loved it when Xander was there; he was 12 years younger than me and I
adored playing with him! (I was the youngest grandchild and it was
great having someone younger than me to play with for a change.)Later when I moved to Arkansas, I knew him from the lake. I spent
lots of time swimming with him. I will always remember Xander standing
on top of Castle Rock reaching out as though he could touch the sky.I regret not knowing the side of Xander that everyone talks about
here. I feel a real since of loss that I did not get the opportunity to
know that side of Xander. I loved Xander very much.I love you Aunt Wilma and Uncle Bob,Elissa

UNCHARTEDyou spotted memoving through the underbrushall battered and bloodyandyou asked me where I was goingso furiously toilingnever stopping to baskin the showering sundrops.and it was then that I realizedthat the only point on my pathwas right beneath my feet,and that everywhere elsewas perpetually perpetuallyuncharted.following the flow of the streamI AM PURE WATERthough I once believed myself to bea piece of debris caught in the current.and going overthis waterfallis only the beginning.Xander

(copied from guest book)You put on an amazing live show!

(copied from guest book)You will be so terribly missed. I love you, Xan.

(copied from guest book)I will miss our gay dancing. you were so much fun. it's horrible
that you had to leave us all so soon.:( We love you, xanderiffic.

(copied from guest book)Xander, I'll never forget the many laughs you gave me in our FOA drama class. I miss you much.

(copied from guest book)I just found out and I'm so sorry to hear. My thoughts and prayers
are with your family. You showed me the meaning of life my friend. I
will truly miss you. I love you.

(copied from guest book)Sure mad an effect on my life. You will be deeply missed. Luv you always.

(copied from guest book)This may be stupid, writing to you on a guest book now that you're
gone, but I don't care. Why didn't I do it earlier is what I'm asking
myself. I haven't talked to you in about 3 years and I am so sad to say
that. I want you to know that I thought about you constantly. Your
amazingly loud laugh, mastering free cell together in computer class,
holding hands in the hall pretending to be a couple, Fiona Apple, our
senior prom. You're the only man to ever take me to the prom. I've
missed you for three years and I'm going to keep missing you. Thank you
for the memories and all the insight and all the laughs. You made me
remember to cherish life and to help others remember too. I miss you.
Thank you for leaving us your songs."C'est tres drole!"

I
am sorry for the loss of Xander! He will be missed by all! Xander will
not be forgotten by anyone who came into contact with him! His
extraordinary personality was so strong that he left a lasting mark on
everyone he met.I remember the first day that I met him in Annie Camp Jr. High as
we sat near each other in class. We would talk before class began, and
to my good fortune, I got to know him better over the years, sharing
more classes and working together in group projects. Xander always made
the situation better and he could always bring a smile to my face. He
admirably could always defend his position on issues. Most of all,
Xander's artistic talent was amazing as it only improved over the
years, and he will be missed.My thoughts are with you family. Love

I'm
really at a loss for words to describe how I feel. I'd known Xander for
about 4 years. It was only in the last year and a half or so that we
started spending time together. I was always blown away by his energy
and creativity. He was a kind as he was creative and was a good friend
to me. I have a habit of trying to hide how I feel about most things
but with this loss, I could not. The night I found out I totally
brokedown. I spent a long time thinking about the loss but then I
remembered the good times we had. We'd talk about Buffy and Angel, guys
we knew, he'd play his music, etc. I will have those memories for
however long I may live. Xander was very important to me and so many
others and I will never forget him. He lives on in this world through
his music and the memories of us who were fortunate enough to have
known him.

LETTERthis is my letter to youworldto let you knowI've been receiving yours.every time a mouth smileseach word my beloved speaksevery quiet momentwhen I can feel the silencevibrating in timewith the stillness inside meand each time that silenceis beautifully interruptedby a voice speaking the truthor music that moves me,a little flag is lifted upand I know I am readyto be deliveredinto a brimming over joymoments like these,it envelopes me.xander

I
was just a kid when you were in my brother's junior high class. I
remember you winning an award in the science fair, once... not the
face, just the name.. You had the craziest sense of humor. I once took
an .mp3 from my brother's computer that said, "My name is Xander
Smith-ith-ith, and I play the clarinet-et-et..."And though I didn't know you personally, you were the example for
us that were just a little... unique, from the rest of the crowd. You
showed us how to be "cool" in our own eyes.

Xander
was one of my best friends in junior high and high school. One of my
best memories ever was our two skits that we performed at exhibition
night our senior year, one where I played a Brooklyn waitress at an
insane diner and he was an ultra-proper customer that I scolded for
being difficult for asking for a table and a chair. Not having that on
tape to watch again is one of my biggest regrets. I loved singing with
him, talking to him about life and spirituality, and listening to his
music. I think everyone at JHS became fans of the Giga-pet song that he
wrote during his Giga-pet phase sophomore year. I loved watching him
perform, as did everyone. I always loved his poetry. He just had a
great spirit that drew people to him, as all of these testimonials
show. I'm glad that I was able to see him again several times this past
year, because I didn't want to just totally lose touch with him. I'm
proud to have known him so well, and sad that more people didn't get to
know of him. I will always think fondly of those years in school
because of him. My warmest thoughts and deepest sympathies are with
you, Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Dee.

I found this today and had to share. It made me think of Xander.In one of the stars I shall be livingIn one of the stars I shall be laughingAnd so I will be as if all the starswere laughing when you lookat the sky at night.-The Little PrinceAntoine de Saint-Exupery

Dearest Family,My heartfelt sympathy to your entire family for your horrific loss. My thoughts & prayers go out to you.My Deepest Sympathy,Renee

Once again a wonderful human being has been struck down bya drunk driver. I know your heart grieves just as mine didwhen my handsome young 15-year-old son was killed by adrunk driver in 1989. From the photos, it looks likeXander loved life and was a contributor to society. Was hea coach as his shirt implies? I'm so sorry for your lossand wish I could offer more than my understanding.May God bless you and all those who loved Xander.Sincerely, Catherine White, Victim Advocate andpast State Chair for MADD-TENNESSEE.

Once again a wonderful human being has been struck down bya drunk driver. I know your heart grieves just as mine didwhen my handsome young 15-year-old son was killed by adrunk driver in 1989. From the photos, it looks likeXander loved life and was a contributor to society. Was hea coach as his shirt implies? I'm so sorry for your lossand wish I could offer more than my understanding.May God bless you and all those who loved Xander.Sincerely, Catherine White, Victim Advocate andpast State Chair for MADD-TENNESSEE.

Unfortunately
I have gotten to read Xander's Poetry and looked at his beautiful
photos. I am the Arkansas State Victim Advocate with Mothers against
drunk driving and had this horrible tragedy not occurred I would have
never seen or known of this beautiful and obviously talented young man.
I did cry when I saw yet another promising life cut short by the
decision to drink and drive. Dee, I can't imagine what you are going
through! My heart breaks for you. To everyone else, I invite you to
join in the fight against drunk driving by becoming a member by going
to MADD.org.The way that Xander's left this earth is hard enough to handle. To
think that the person responsible for this tragedy could do this to
another family is unacceptable!My heart and prayers are with you and your family.

Xander
... I hate that your talents have been cut so short. You ... your smile
... your songs ... your performances will be missed.

Dear,
Sweet, Xander... I'm very sorry that I never go to know you the way so
many have. I remember fondly the times we did share, and thank all of
the people responsible for my meeting you. You will remain in my heart,
my thoughts, my life for ever. Shine on, talented one, shine on.

If anyone in Jonesboro could give me a call here in nashville, please do so615-596-4025News hasn't reached most of his friends here...thank yousteve

What
can I say?I was blessed to have Xander in my life for the short time
that the Lord allowed him to be with us.I know that he is in a better
place but his place was here with us.Xander you will be Missed but
NEVER FORGOTTEN....With all the Love in my Heart and Soul...Tony Merrell

After
two weeks of learning of Xanders passing, I felt compelled to come back
and read more of the entry's by those people who were touched by his
love of life. Instead tho I found myself reading those entry's in his
poetry guestbook. The more I read the more I thought, cried, paused,
pondered, laughed, and smiled. I came across a journal entry nearly 2
1/2 years ago. One I had written 45 mins before my last final of the
semester at Belmont. I realized how inspired I felt after reading your
page just minutes before a huge final. All the sorrow and sadness I
felt this past few weeks was wiped away for a moment. Thanks for the
Smiles, Thanks for the Laughs, Thanks for the LOVE, and Thanks for the
Inspiration.WE MISS YOU>Clay

After
two weeks of learning of Xanders passing, I felt compelled to come back
and read more of the entry's by those people who were touched by his
love of life. Instead tho I found myself reading those entry's in his
poetry guestbook. The more I read the more I thought, cried, paused,
pondered, laughed, and smiled. I came across a journal entry nearly 2
1/2 years ago. One I had written 45 mins before my last final of the
semester at Belmont. I realized how inspired I felt after reading your
page just minutes before a huge final. All the sorrow and sadness I
felt this past few weeks was wiped away for a moment. Thanks for the
Smiles, Thanks for the Laughs, Thanks for the LOVE, and Thanks for the
Inspiration.WE MISS YOU>Clay

"The best way is always through." Robert FrostAnd we will make it through this most difficult time with each
other's strength. I love you so much, Grandma Smith! I had a dream
about Xander Sunday night. It was so real. He was playing his piano in
the living room. It was a song I had never ever heard before. I stood
by his side weeping because it was so beautiful. When he got up we both
began dancing, but his song was still playing without him touching the
piano. We danced with every ounce of our energy and passion we had, and
all of a sudden he started to dance so fast and with such fury that he
just disappeared. In the distance I heard his voice say, "I miss life,
but it is necessary for all of you to keep living. What you do matters,
and all there is to do is love." When I woke up Monday I could not stop
thinking about him. I felt so heavy. I had no energy, and I just kept
crying on until Monday night. It is so unbelievable and so new...it's
going to take a long time just to accept that this has happened. We
must allow ourselves to experience the depths of this pain, however we
must not keep ourselves closed to joy...we must still allow joy and
light to enter our hearts.Love, joy, and life, forever and ever and ever.Candace Furniss

UPthe first time I saw the seathat's when it began in methe lust for the wind on my facefor feeling freethe first time the endlessnessstared back at meeach wavecrashing into one anotherwas a componentto the watery blueprintI began sketching at that moment(with sand washing over my toes)the first trace beginningsof my flying machineand now, activated and actualizedmy spirit's dream realizedI cirrus-stretch myself across the skydelightfully dizzy and hectically highfrom breathing in the night full of starsthe landscape below me, a patchwork quiltthe people, ants who drive toy cars.Xander

We
only talked a few times. But, you were such a great person to get to
know. I'll remember you. My thoughts and prayers turn now to your
family and their burden to go on without the love of their life.
Xander, you were special. And, all of this proves it.

My Baby Boy:Of all my memories of you(and they fill a too-short lifetime) my
favorite is when you were about 4 years old and I was taking care of
you while Grandma attended night class. One night while we were
watching our favorite show (The Boston Pops) I told you each instrument
in the entire orchestra while they played. You were like a sponge,
absorbing everything Grandpa told you. Grandma came home in the middle
of the show and you couldn't wait to show her what you had learned. You
had her sit down, and told her each instrument as it was played and you
didn't make even a single mistake. She was amazed! I don't know if I
helped spark your interest in music, or if you were born with the
passion, but I was blessed to be a part of your upbringing. You will
always be the ultimate performer in my life.There are other times I cherish, like the Father's Day that we
spent building you a fort. Remember the big bass you caught in the
pond, and how I showed you how to hold him by the lip so I could take a
picture of you and your catch? I taught you to say your first word, and
I remember when the only word you could say was "duck." I was so
thrilled that I immediately went out and bought you four live ducks.This a letter to you, Xander, and to all the people who might read
it, to let you and them know how very much you mean to me. My heart
will never be whole again.I love you,Grandpa

Xander
was an incredebly talented young man. I had known him for several years
and use to marvel at his energy, both on the dance floor and when it
came to his music. I'll always think of him and smile, because he
always made me smile. In a very special way, I loved him and in my
heart I always will. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family. I
will never forget him and the special bond we shared... They say God
has a plan and he must have an amazing one for Xander.....

Admittedly, it has taken me a long time to post. It has taken me a long
time to do a lot of things. I loved Xander more than I have loved
anyone thus far. I know everyone else had had a very hard time with
this, so I am not here to whine about mine. I wholeheartedly agree with
Candace that life is worth living to its fullest. We must be open to
joy. This terrible tragedy has shown me that life is a gift and to not
be grateful for every waking moment is a travesty. Xander and I had
many conversations on that point. He, more than anyone knew the value
of celebration and happiness. He and I were going to move to California
so we could be true to ourselves and explore life in a more accepting
climate. Unfortunately, that dream did not come true exactly in the way
we planned. However, on Sept 14, exactly one month after Xander left
this world, I got on a plane and left for California. So now I am here,
living our dream and I know he is here too, in some way. This is the
only way I know how to pay tribute to Xander properly. I want to live
my life in honor of him. I want to be true to myself and always find
the joy in living. I love you Xander and I love you too, Grandma.
Please feel free to email me. I want everyone to know how much I love
them. Love and BlessingsErin

if you could see it herebut I know you doIf you could knowbut I guess you doyou would be proudbut you already areI keep thinking: if only...but it's already happenedmy life moves at the speed of lightfor youMaybeMaybe to youWe have an appointmentMaybe I'm in your datebookSushi at two-o-clock with ErinIn-between your concertwith the angelsand your spiritual hair-removal sessionMaybe you wait for mePerhaps you areA ball of spirit-lightAs we supposedto be the ultimate highMaybe you live in my midstor you could be too busyMaking a guest appearanceOn god's "Total Request Live"I'm sure you are number oneon high; topping the chartsI once wrote a poem for youIt read: The pro-fit is meantFor those with pure heartsBecause there is something propheticAbout topping the charts.But I now knowThat you are higherThan the chartsBut you will never be too highFor my heart to reachOr too far goneTo teach me valuable lessonsThat I will carryUntil I arriveFashionably late for our two-o-clockAt two-0-fiveJust as you knew I would beBecause I went ahead and ordered the sushiBefore seeing you at two-fifteenYou're sorryThe "angel thing" ran lateYou're happy to see meAfter allYou want to know what I thinkOf your latest projectsYou want to knowIf I agree or objectTo your latest mode of expressionYou want my inputAs we are the CharmaggeddonYou ask what I thinkOf the human raceIs there hope?You look at meThrough imploring eyesIt is hard for me to sayBecause everything is so newUnfortunately we can't teach them anymoreObviously our time is throughSo we can't worry about thatWe shrug and gazeAt each other knowingly(on the other side, we have mastered psychic communication)Your eyes tell me whatI already knowYou are already lateFor the spiritual hair-removalAs am I for my other-worldlyEyebrow waxingWe both know we will meet againAs five is our daily scheduledTogether timeXander, all superficiality aside, I love you so much. How can I
even begin? I cannot. I can only cry and try to pay tribute to you with
words. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I've
enjoyed "Drive" since my roommate introduced me to it. It helped me
overcome the heartbreak of a failed relationship a few years ago...and
has become a favorite song since. I was looking forward to becoming a
successful artist manager, and trying to get on board for YOUR success
Xander...Now, I guess I'll have to wait about 60 more years before I
can work with you.My condolences to your family. This is a tragedy which words
cannot adequately express. A talent taken from us far before his
time...In Loving Memory,Matthew Sinclair

ALL I CAN DOyou tell me like so many have told methat at the deep down bottom of your heartyou feel alone--and to think, I thought I was sitting so close,me in this room with you,and you in this room by yourself--with me?I want to refute what seems obviously untrue,but I bite my tongue, and listen for the restof your heart's somber tale.all your words, so you say,fall downlike rotten trees in the middle of the woods,with no one aroundto hear the sound(you wonder, is there even a sound at allif there's no pair of ears to understandwill they lose their form and wash awayif there are no eyes to see your footsteps in the sand?)somewhere along the waysomewhere betweenthe silence and the screamsit seemsyou've misplacedyour faith.and all I can dois tell youand hope that you believe me,that in every momentwherever you arethe limitless light of loveis listening to youwith perfect precisionin every particleof air around youtaking in what youlet outbreathing youlonging for you to nourish itby hopingby believingthat it will never stop shiningand answering age old questions, like"will this light go outif I close the door?"don't think it for a second, my love.I can clearly see it shiningthrough the window that just opened.Xander

I
just found out about Xander this morning. as a frind of his in
Murfreesboro TN, i was out of the information loop. I had talked to him
just a few before this horrible thing happened. I never knew till now.
I thought he was just off doing his own thing, and id see him online,
or he call, or hed just show up at my door with a hug, and we would
hang out all night lie we did.I am in shock. I cant believe this. I found this site by accident,
and im sick to my stomach. his music is playing on my computer right
now. he would come over and compose sometimes, and uploaded a bunch to
my hardrive. his voice is here right now, its so weird.im in shock. its been 4 hours sence i found this site. i would call
his parents, but i never met them. im so outta his loop, and now even
more so. ive thrown up several times this morning. its stiil so weird.
he is so alive to me right now. there is no reality of him being gone.he was talking of visiting me and his friends here in mid-tn last
we talked. and now, his promise, his future, his beautiful life will
never be lived. he will never be here ever again. god, this is so hard
for me.i dont know really anything, other than what little facts are here.
its only been 4 hours. i can still feel his hugs, hear his laugh, i can
still see him sad, and socialy nervous. I can still hear him talk about
how he loves his familey so very much.im still in so much shock here. i need other people that knew him, that can explain this to me. its all to unreal.someone please contact me.

Sorry that last post, was a little erratic. Im just finding out about this and all. Later I will share memories and whatnot.This is for his family that I have never met, but heard so much
about: I love you guys, and Im so sorry for your loss. Words cannot
express. He loved you completely.And to you space-monkey, my friend, my little guy:Xander, you know that I loved you. And I know you loved in return.
That was never in doubt, or question. And you know that your place in
my life, your lessons, your wisdom and wit, will be with me, and all of
us forever, till its our time to see you again and beyond.Your voice is still here, its playing on my computer right now.
Your picture looking back at me. And your heart and soul will be
forever with us.Im crying again man, and I know that makes you so awkward. But I
am. I miss you so much. Ill live my life missing you, but smiling at
the joy you brought the world, and you brought me. You my friend, were
the greatest.Your music will live on. I Promise you.

(from Mark2Xander)u do not dream tonightmy boyu sleepyou who are without hatred,without malicewhose heart is a million diamondswhose truth is honestwith a voice,sounding full and brightwith lovea soul filled with lightflowing ever intothe evermorea causeway to godsand legendsfor you, because of youinbetween and ongoingthe promise will be fufilledthat i do not sleep tonight,my pure friend,i dream

For
those of you who don't know me, I am Xander's first cousin, Misti. I
haven't written anything yet, obviously. It wasn't because I didn't
care enough to write, but I think it was because I couldn't think of
anything to say to everyone that would do justice to Xander. There is
still nothing that I can say that will do any justice to who he was or
how he made me and everyone around him feel, but I decided that I
should at least get on here and let everyone know that I love Xander. I
wish we could have spent more time together recently, but growing up is
hard and it seemed as though he or I always had something going on when
it came time to do the "family thing," but I regret that. I regret it a
lot. I wish I could have seen him more. I did get to see him on the 4th
of July, and I am so glad that I did. I love you Grandma and Grandpa,
and I am so glad I got to see you last week. I love you, too, Aunt D,
so much. I wish I was good at this sort of thing, but at least everyone
knows I love him and I miss him.To Xander: Maybe when we see each other again we can have a catsup
fight and Grandpa and dad won't yell at us. (Thanksgiving when we were
little) :) I love you.

i lost my son andrew age 22 on 12 30 2002 by a drunk driver i feel your loss

My Darling, My Xanderiffic,It has been eight weeks since you loaded your music equipment,
kissed your Mom goodbye and told her you loved her, wrapped me in a big
hug, walked to your car, flashed me your electrifying smile, gave me a
happy thumbs up, got into your Jeep, drove toward your music
performance in Memphis and ended up in Paradise. If I had known that I
would never again see that precious, perfect face on this earth I would
have run to you for one last kiss and embrace.Even today, Grandpa found me in the woods behind the pond, where I
had gone to grieve privately. I was unable even to stand, so he bundled
me into the truck and brought me home with a lecture that "Xander would
not want to see you doing this to yourself." I know you don't,
Sweetheart, and I am trying so hard to be strong for you, Mom and
Grandpa, but sometimes this old heart of mine just literally breaks. I
miss you so much!You are so very dear to me. I have not made a decision in the last
22 years that I did not consider how it might impact your plans, your
future, your life. It is so hard trying to learn to live without you.
You brought sunshine, joy, life, meaning and love into my life. Thank
you.I have been reading your book Conversations with God (To: Xander,
From: Xander)and reading your poetry (So thankful that you left it for
us!) over and over. It is helping to give me insight into your deep
spirituality and allows me to understand more clearly the love you had
for all people, your genuine goodness and sweetness, and your strong
belief in God. What a wonderful Gift He gave us when He let us have you
here on earth. I thank Him. I thank Him so very much!I rejoice in your freedom to fly as you always wanted to do. I know
too that "Going over this water fall is just the beginning." I know
that your spirit is still here, "sitting so close beside you" and that
you are "delightfully dizzy and hectically high from drinking in the
night full of stars." It's just that I am selfish and want to be able
to touch you and hold you. Forgive me, but "Full is not nearly so heavy
as empty, not nearly, My Love."I play your song, Thinking of You, as I drive; and hearing you
sing, "I'll swim across all the rivers if the bridges have burned." and
"I'll be waiting to take you up in my arms. If you're thirsty or
bleeding, I'll erase your needing." comforts my broken heart. Thank you
for your music. It means so much to be able to hear your voice.I haven't posted to your memorial page before because I knew it
would be hard to say what I want to say to you in a few paragraphs. I
could write forever and still not begin to say all that you have been
and are to me. What you and I shared was truly a gift from God, and
such a blessing. Thank you, My Love. One day I will be with you in
eternity where we will never again have to be separated. Until then,
you live in my heart. I love you forever, world without end.Linger,Grandma

You'll
be greatly missed by all of us, and I'm sorry that we lost touch after
high school. Your music and your poetry will keep your spirit alive for
many more years to come. You're awesome Xan! I love and miss you much!!Nicole

I
was on my way to teach this morning, and I was listening to my Avril
Lavigne CD when a song came on that I don't think I had ever actually
listened to the words. This time was different. I have your pictures
posted on my dash, and I looked down at you when I heard the words "I
wish that I could see you again; I know that I can't." I started to
cry, and it hit me that I really am never going to see you again. I
guess because we hadn't seen each other very much recently, it didn't
seem real or something. It hit me this morning harder than it has hit
me thus far, and I just wanted to write and say I love you and I miss
you. Here are the complete lyrics to the song. I'm pretty sure Avril
wrote this song to her grandfather when he died, and now it's my song
to you. I love you.Na na, na na na, na naI miss you, miss you so badI don't forget you, oh it's so sadI hope you can hear meI remember it clearlyThe day you slipped awayWas the day I found it won't be the sameOooohNa na la la la na naI didn't get around to kiss youGoodbye on the handI wish that I could see you againI know that I can'tOoooohI hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearlyThe day you slipped awayWas the day I found it won't be the sameOooohI had my wake upWon't you wake upI keep asking whyAnd I can't take itIt wasn't fakeIt happened, you passed byNow your gone, now your goneThere you go, there you goSomewhere I can't bring you backNow your gone, now your goneThere you go, there you go,Somewhere your not coming backThe day you slipped awayWas the day i found it won't be the same noo..The say you slipped awayWas the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...Nah nah, nah nah nah, nah nahI miss you

Keep up the good work now!!!

this
is so hard for me. somewhere deep inside i have held on to the belief
you would be returning. now to write this means i have to accept the
truth that you are now in heaven and one day i will see you again. if
the lord would just let me set in the back of the room where i could
look upon your beautiful face and hear your sweet sweet music i would
be happy. for the first time since you left this world i caught myself
singing one of my made up songs(not a xanderiffic song but a mommy one.
"i heard the angels singing in perfect harmony and i was mad and i was
sad, cause with them i heard you sing. i asked the lord to release from
this pain of a world without you. then God spoke to me "first you must
learn the words and learn the tune and one day soon you can also sing
with the angels in perfect harmony" i am trying so hard but this is the
hardest thing i've ever had to face. not an hour or even sometimes a
minute goes by that i don't think of you, miss you, love you. if one
day it at least becomes bearable that will be answer to one of my many
prayers. i know however i will never find the joy in the world that i
did with you here and my world is darker now and will never be as
bright as you were and are my sonshine. i have surronded my self with
things of yours and pictures and poems. its not the same. i walk around
this house we lived in for the last 14 years(of course you were
sometimes other places) and there is not an inch of this house where
your spirit isn't. you are always with me in my heart, although its
been broken with your leaving. i talk with you and God and sometimes i
feel you holding me telling me its ok you will see me again and that
heaven is such a wonderful place there are no words to describe it. i
know i must go on at times (most of the time) its just so hard, i feel
as though i'm walking in water chest deep. i'm sorry i'm not the
wordsmith you are. maybe there just aren't the words for me to express
how much i love you and how i miss you so much. you were my son,my
friend,my confidont(as you know i'm not a good speller and don't have
your talnets in expressing my thoughts. but you always understood and
loved me in spite of my many shortcomings. my hands are shaking so much
this is so hard please help me lord. its saturday night and these are
hard nights as thats when the lord called you home at 7:15, i'm
conviced that you were a messenger,an angel that was sent to spread
messages of love, honesty you had a mantra you would say that was some
thing like this "be kind, be true, be honset and love better",and when
God felt you had spread that message enough to others so they could
then spread the message he called you home to rest and find the true
peace that this world does not offer.i will try to honor you with your
words and messages until it is time for me to leave this earth and look
upon your beautiful face again. i wrote you song when you were a baby
it was written on one of the patches of your memory quilt i made for
you.(you never wanted to put it on your bed as you were afraid it would
get messed up,and i often wondered about the two years it took to make
it, now i know it was to wrap you in the mother love of having sewn by
hand,something to place your earthly body in to its final resting
place. but that is just a shell and now i know you are flyin like an
angel. my beautiful,beautiful,beautiful boy, who was becoming such a
wonderful man. i am so proud of you and in awe of what a great person
you were. you are truely my hero. the words to the lullaby i wrote were
"xander pie don't you cry mommas goin to sing you a lullaby, sad and
sweet tickle your feet momma she fix you good things to eat. xandercon
you're so funny you think the world is milk and honey, thats ok anyway
momma she play with you today." i love you more than i could ever write
the words for,and i miss you so much my world is so empty and my heart
has an empty place and sometimes i feel its broken into so many parts
of you, but its still there with love and so many good memories. thank
you for leaving me so many memories, and your music and poetry and
love. as i said on each occsion you would leave to good spread your
xander magic and my last words to you "be careful, you carry my heart
with you." again i am so proud of you and have been blessed to have you
in my life 22 years, of course you hear this as i write it, you were
never mine, you belonged to the world and all good things in it. God
blessed me with having you as part of my life you were loved and wanted
from the first minute of conception,i think you knew that i hope you
did. its to hard to say good bye but i will say until we see each other
again,i love you so much,forever and forever your mommy mom.

this
mmemorial to xander has been such a blessing for me and my family. the
wonderful thoughts and memories of Xander are something i will treasure
all of my days. as a mother i knew Xander was a remarkable person but i
was never really aware of how great he was and how many other people
felt Xander's magic and love. thank you to everyone that has written
here, this is something i will always treasure and be able to read and
read again, as we have printed all the pages. i am so proud of Xander
and also of his friends i love each and every one of you. and always
know you are welcome here at Xander's earthly home. God be with you
all. again thank you from xander's mom, his grandma,his grandpa and
Xander. don't think for one minute that he doesn't know all the love
you all have in your hearts for him. he will be missed, honor him with
spreading love, truth, honesty,kindness, and God bless you all. peace.

hi
again...i thought id relate an interesting experience. i recently
acquired one of xanders cd's from Dee Smith (thanks for everything Dee,
and thanks to you for all of the equipment(even though you probably
think much of my stuff is too noisy)thanks Xander, i felt weird taking
some of your stuff, but Dee assured me that you would want it to be
used in a creative way, im sorry that i never gave your music the
praise it deserved.....i was just listening to your cd entitled IN THIS
MOMENT (AKA NOW) ....the interesting thing is the way in which i heard
it...last nite aaron dison hooked up my tape/cd player to my reciever
so i could play video games and listen to any music i wanted....i
picked up your cd and thought it would be a good time to listen to all
of those songs that i have gotten to know so well, and had listened to
so many times (usually acting distant, as i do sometimes when
confronted with pure emotion)....ok, this philips/magnavox cd/tape
player (the same one i was talking about) will not play cd-r's (which
is what your cd is recorded on)...sometimes it wont play anything...i
decided to try to put it in and play it anyways...AND IT WORKED!then of course i listened to the cd, now the songs have been made
sacred, this always happens when an artist that is just getting started
passes away ( i.e kurt cobain, etc)....great stuff man, keep up the
good work....i tried to play the cd in this same crazy music player and it would
not work, i tried many methods, it wont play in the cd/ tape
player---crazy music player.....do little things like that happen to you guys when you listen to his music?i, for one, cant listen to it too often....but i was wondering..with love, jarrod evans

Xander's
music has touched me more than he will ever know. I met Xander last
summer, when he came to hang out with me in Little Rock. I had talked
to him for about a year, and absolutly LOVED his music! I'm a music
buff, plus a fellow writer/performer! We hung out at my house. I
listened to him play his songs on the piano live for me, and I played
some for him. My favorite song he sang was.."Drive." It helped me
through some tough relationships, and such. But hearing him do it live
really meant the world to me. We stayed pretty close friends after
that, and he told me he'd send me a CD .. but never did. I just
recently found out about his death, and I'm SO sorry to hear that. I
know God has deffinately found a place for him in his angelic choir. I
just thank God I met him .. and heard his talents. To his family I say
.. keep strong, remember the good times.. and never forget how much of
a great person Xander really was!

sorry for what happend to ur son many people loved him i can see, and tell.

hey
xander im very proud of you my lil brother for going after your dreams
and getting them done, im sorry i was not there for much of your life.
but we will meet again in heaven so 'ill ask my grandmother to watch
over you til i can see you again i love ya bro. see you later

hey
lil brother. im sorry for not being around and not being the big
brother i should have been. im sorry that i never told you that i loved
you, i always wanted t lil brother, then my dad married your mom, my
wish fro a lil brother came to pass then i did not treat you like i
should have, my sister and i are very sad, i cant tell you in person
how much joy you brought me i remember when we used to ply video games
on the nintindo and saga games and rememberd who you uesd to tear me
up.lol i foundsome thing that you made for me one christmas, many years
ago. you had to be 6 or 7 maybe even 8 yrs old i dont remember, how old
you were, but i still have it. it sits by my computer. i dont have any
pictures of you. but i still have the gift you made. if any one knows
xander mom plz tell Dee that i loved xander and i miss him. love your
big brother Barry

xander,
my little bro, sorry i never showed you much but i sure loved you. i'm
proud you are my brother. save me seat on heavens front roll when you
make your debue. much love, i'll see you when i make it home. much
love, your sister, gen

i've
still had a hard time with this, from what i remeber from you is you
were always happy and had the biggest smile on you face. love and peace
is what you were about. i remeber a time i guess you were about 8 years
old and we were throwing away an old bed. the frame of it looked like a
stage, (well big enough to hold about 3 8 year old kids) and you were playing on the little red keyboard you had and ben
was playing on your bongos and there was another kid but i cant remeber
who he was. but anyway you always loved music. and as i look at the
picture of you i have on my wall, i still see the same look, you always
loved people and people loved you. i know anything we say to the lord
about you, you can hear. you will be missed by all. i see the man you
had become, and i'm so proud of you. i do love you dearly and i'm sorry
i never told you. and i have a few other xander moments that i'll
always keep with me. god bless you, peace and love, that was what you
were about. i'll see you later little brother. keep the faith, genny

ONE
MORE THOUGHT, I REMBER THE SLUMBER PARTYS WE HAD HAD GROWING UP. YOU
HAD YOUR FRIENDS OVER, I HAD HAD MINE. WE'D WAIT FOR THE LIGHTS TO GO
OUT UNDER THE DOOR, LOOKED AT ONE ANOTHER IN OUR BEST MISCHIVIOS
SMILES, AND IT WAS ON. ALL OF US HAD FUN, THROWING PAPER BALLS AND
PIZZA CRUST TRYING TO GET IT ALL CLEANED UP BEFORE THE PARENTS WOKE UP.
THOSE AND MANY MORE I'LL KEEP WITH ME. GOD BLESS YOU XANDER, MAY YOUR
MEMORY KEEP US ALL WARM WHEN WE ARE MISSING YOU. MAY THE LOVE YOU HAVE
GIVEN US ALL LIVE ON. WE WILL MISS YOU. LOVE ALWAYS, YOUR SISSY, GEN

Hey, Xander.I think of you every day. I sang "Drive" today at the top of my
lungs. To say I miss you would be a gross understatement. It is still
hard for me to sleep. I recently watched the seventh season of Buffy. I
bought it the day it came out, true to form. It is still really weird;
coming to terms and all. I was remembering some of our crazier exploits
from living in Nashville and being the curious life-voyagers that we
were. I was thinking about how you will be such an important characer
in my book and I wanted to be able to describe you as well as you
deserve. I was in one of the underground metro stations here and
walking amidst seas of people trying to think of the words that would
convey the specific glint you had in your eye that night we spilled
green apple slush all over Devon's bed and reaffirmed the importance of
loving yourself in this life. I remember when you read me your novel,
Reasons Life is Fabulous. It was so good. It inspired me. Your writing
style was so free. I don't write like you, because I write like me, but
YOU seriously kicked ass literarilly. I wish everyone could read that
novel. I don't know if it is still around or if anyone even knows about
it or to look for draft copies. I know the linear form was on the
laptop. I remember remembering that detail amidst the chaos of your
passing. I am pleased to see that this page is still so active. It is
good to know that you are still inspiring people. I love you, Xander. I
miss you so much.Peace,Erin

THESE ARE THE PURE THINGSI sing.I dance.I write.I love.These are the pure things.Only shades darker than my soul:An unimaginable brightness.It is your soul, too.Xander

Hey Xander.I havent written in a while to you, as this is still very hard for
me. I try to be brave, strong and wise, have courage for others, and
help them see light, where there is dark.And I try to do this for myself.But I miss you so much. I still get mad everyday, that you are not with us. I am very angry, and still break down.I had one of these moments the other day at work, and I felt so
trapped, and isolated. I was overcome with the feeling of injustice of
your demise, and of the fact that you deserved so very much more. If I
could trade places with you, buddy, I would right now. You deserved a
full span.But, thats is survivor's guilt, and I know that.I just wanted so much for you. And you deserved so much.And, its werid, you not being here. My mind still holds out, that
this is a misunderstanding somehow. I know the truth, but my spirit
still cannot embrace the reality of your death.Erin was talking about Buffy season 7, and that brings me back to
when Kevin and I, got you into Buffy... and it was right at the start
of season 7. That mememory of you here in the living room, still makes
me smile... you asking who all the characters were, and their stories.I remember letting you borrow my Angel season 1 boxset, just before you moved. (and you taking it with you)And I remember all those times, you would call up, feeling guilty that you still had it, and promising to return it.I never corrected you, becasue listening to you get so worked up about it, was, well, very sweet.And I was just waiting on the day, that you would give it back....
for me to put both your hands on it, smile, and tell you that you can
keep it. It was going to be a little supprise for you.And now, I cant.I so miss you man. You NEED to be here.And in your abscence, as always, I will keep the faith, keep
fighting the fight, and always try, to see the light in the dark, and
help others. Just the same thing I would do, if you were here now.....I dont have any answeres Xander.All I have is questions.And the quiet stillness, that comes from your memories, as well as the outrage that you are not here.Sorry bud. Its how I feel.And you would want me to be honest always. Never delude myself.And, Im going to feel this way, perhaps for the rest of my life, untill its my time as well.Hopefully, I can see your gave soon. Its important to me.Maybey I can get away from here, somewhere around X-Mas time, when work is shut down.No promises though.Love you, and miss you.Like always.-Mark

My Precious Xanderiffic Angel,I decorated your resting place today with a red poinsettia beside
your head stone, and a big arrangement of white poinsettias with red
roses and Chrismas greenry atop your head stone, even put up a little
Christmas tree that Grandpa bought for you. I turned the car stereo
volumm up high so you could hear your music and played Drive, One Last
Time and Shine a Light while I worked. Wished I had a copy of us
singing Silver Bells, but your music is always in season. :)Mom has
some angels and another tree we will take out later to make your
Christmas Decorations complete.We finally got your head stone put up Friday. It has music notes in the top corners and your name, Alexander BrecheenXander Smith, then the dates and below that a Yamaha keyboard and
at the bottom, "I'm flying like an angel." I know you love it, it is
just you and so Xanderiffic.I hope you don't mind if I use this avenue as a message board to let your friends know about your memorial program:"All friends, family and especially fans of Xander are invited to
attend a short memorial program that will begin at 7 p.m. next
Thursday, the 16th, at The Edge Coffee Shop. The program will be in the
room where Xander performed for the last two years on Thursday
evenings. An inscribed portrait of Xander will be hung in that room,
his music will be played, and some of his friends will read selections
of his poetry. If any of you want to play some of Xander's songs also,
we would be honored to have you do that. There will, of course, be no
admission charge and everyone is invited."How was that, Babe? I have been reminded a lot lately of a poem you
wrote for me entitled, "Someone Still (for Grandma)." In it you wrote:"Thank you for reminding me that someone still gets excited about Christmas,someone still takes time to listen to the birds sing and wakes up early enough to watch the sun rise on the glistening dew.You are my soul.Everything I am came from you.You taught my heart to sing,and when I an only imagine the other part to "Silver Bells" (The Corner Santa Clause)All I need to do is get excited about Christmas,take time to listen to the birds singand watch you rising on the glistening dew.Linger,XanderI am really trying to get excited about Christmas, Baby, but never
did I dream that I would be the one left to sing "Silver Bells" alone
and watch you rising on the glistening dew. I love you more than I have
words to say, but you know that, so I will just sayLinger,Grandma

Xander,I haven't wrote you for such a long time, so I do appollogize.
Life has been hard the past couple of months for me, as I'm sure you
are looking down here along with my mother, who passed away in October.
When she passed away, one of the first things I thought was that you
would be there to greet her along with my grandmother. I really miss
the both of you so much and it seems so unfair that two of the kindest
sweetest people I've probably ever met were taken away from me this
year. You both have the same type of unselfish essence and ability to
always smile no matter what came your way. I try to smile and "remember
the happy times" like you say in your song - I think it was called
Smile. You are probably the only two people that could instantly make
me laugh or smile - even when I was really down and out. So now when I
do, I just think how you told me to always approach life from that
unique "Bryenian" approach you said you liked about me. :)This past weekend, my parents came to visit and I rode with them
back to Indiana for 8 hours to buy a car from my brother. I bet I
played your CD three times on the way up. My dad and step mom really
enjoyed the CD, though they said they could do without me singing
along. LOL. My dad particularly enjoyed DRIVE which I sang my heart out
on. I still remember sitting in your bedroom when you wrote it and
asking Steve and me which different versions sounded best. I miss
sitting in the living room at the duplex on Sunday mornings and just
listening to you play the piano/keyboard. It was the perfect way to
start the day. I play the CD at least once a week, especially when I'm
cleaning the apartment. Ha Ha. ;)I spoke to Calvin not long ago. He said he still has your picture
up on his mirror and pretty much keeps your CD in the CD player. Would
you believe he got married again and had another baby! He was pretty
upset when I called him and told him about your accident as well. We
both really wanted to come to the funeral, but he had just started a
new job in Missouri, and my mom was too sick for me to leave her alone
with no one to care for her. I was really upset I couldn't go, so I'm
hoping that I can attend your memorial service next Thursday since I'm
not working.I saw below where Mark mentioned Buffy the Vampire Slayer. :) I
guess they indirectly got me hooked on Buffy too because I got hooked
on it while we were roommates, not long after you got hooked on it. I
remember trying to sit comfortably in front of your computer and watch
Season 1, only to tune in to the current eppisodes and find out it was
gonna be the last season!! I finally have made it through all 7 seasons
now though. Would you believe I even attended a "Buffy Party" this past
summer. LOL.I've been reading through a few of your poems lately and have
started writing again myself. I'm told right now a lot of my stuff is
kinda like Jim Carrol's work - a lot of anger and hurt hidden between
the lines, which is a reflection of my past 6 months. I'm sure as time
goes by my poetry will become brighter and more uplifting. One of your
poems has been particularly uplifting to me, while I've been feeling so
beaten down and lost in life. I took care of my mom for so long, I
forgot what it was like to be able to have the freedom to do things for
myself. It's really been very hard to adapt to life without constantly
worrying or taking care of someone else. Your poem Uncharted describes
exactly what I've felt. My life is completely different now - new
friends, new job, new apartment - everything has changed all at once so
dramatically that I'm now in uncharted territory and uncertain of
what's to come next:unchartedyou spotted memoving through the underbrushall battered and bloodyandyou asked me where I was goingso furiously toilingnever stopping to baskin the showering sundrops.and it was then that I realizedthat the only point on my pathwas right beneath my feet,and that everywhere elsewas perpetually perpetuallyuncharted.following the flow of the streamI am pure water,though I once believed myself to bea piece of debris caught in the current.and going overthis waterfallis only the beginning.You have always had such a way of preciously capturing human
emotions and a poetic way of putting into words what emotions are being
felt by people. Though this uncharted territory is a very scary
feeling, your poem reminds me that if I just focus on today and just go
with the flow of life, I won't be just pushed around by circumstance,
but more in control. And in a way I feel like this "waterfall" of a
year I have had is just the begining of a brand new life for me. I
don't know what lies ahead, but I have to believe I can handle anything
and that good things are gonna come my way after I get over this hurdle
I'm at in life. I've always had a safety net or an idea of what was to
come, but now my safety net (my mom) is gone and the future is so
uknown to me. But I will take your advice and not allow myself to just
be a piece of debris caught in the current, which is what I've been
doing in life the past couple of years. Getting knocked around but not
rolling with the punches.Well, I feel like I wrote you a book today. You are such an
inspiration to me, even now that your not here physically, your still
always with me in so many ways. You are one of the people in life that
definitely had an impact on me and will always be a part of me. I know
we sort of drifted apart after you moved back home and I so hate myself
for not getting together with you the last time you visited Nashville,
but I know you would tell me not to be upset. I'm gonna try myself to
come to your Memorial service and I would love to visit your grave
site.Love you Miss you!Bryen

Well
I read what I wrote and I must retract that I wouldn't love to see your
grave. Honestly I wish there wasn't one and you were here being all
happy and xanderiffic creating more beautiful music and poetry. But, I
do need to go there and see it and pay my respects and just be there
with you and talk to you. It's just important to me to do that,
especially since I couldn't come to the funeral. I was so devestated
that I couldn't go. I tried to get Jonas to come stay with my mom, but
he had to work and I just didn't have any other options. I'm so sorry!!
I know you would tell me not to be upset about it, but I have to admit
it really bothers me and upsets me still that I couldn't go. I feel
like I was robbed of something precious not being able to attend, which
is why it's so important to me to visit your grave and attend the
memorial service. I just hope you know how much I really do miss you.Peace, Joy and LoveBryen

Xander,I'm so sorry to hear that we have lost someone so special you had
a gift from heaven. You had the heart of gold like the best. I will
always miss the talks and the late night chats we had my dear friend.
You will for ever and always will have a place in my heart. You are the
main reason why I still am alive.if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be
still hear today, B.c you looked out for the night that I had my car
crash and you helped me get better, an see the better day of tomorrow.
If I took anything from you I can say that I learn the most preciouse
advise from someone so dear. Now you are where only angel are amoung
us. Please tell My luv teague That I haven't forgotten him, So now I
have 2 garden angels looking over me. Thank you Xander (xoxoxo) For
touching mylife....( * Friendship * )Somewhere tonite we come alive,Two
hearts ignite we're one of a kind.Here we are undivided by anything
Just you and i,We've come so far no one else could everSteal away what
we confide...Who wants to know? We stick together we're never
apart,Everybody knows who we are.Because we are one we do it .We come
together and stronger we areJust when the world can tear us apart,We go on as one we do it in
unison.Gleam of an eye, flash of a smile,Never too shy playin' ever so
wild.Here we are i', relying on no one else.But you and i we've come so
far No on else could ever steal away what we..Confide who wants to
know?Here we are undivided by anything.Just our friendship.We've come
so far no one else could ever...Steal away what we confide in each
other...

Hey,
Xander. I missed this last Thursday at the edge. I hope you were
pleased with the turnout. Christmas is coming and even though we don't
adhere to its traditional meaning, I know you like it just as I do. I
miss you. San Francisco is fabulous. I know you would love it. I still
stay up too late and wake up too late. I guess old habits are hard to
break. I remember staying up WAY TOO LATE playing final fantasy 11 or
going to EXess, in Nashville, or even listening to you listening to
samples and trying desperately to have an opinion when you asked. I
remember our trip to the Gathering and Gay Pride Atlanta before that.
I'll never forget the house party in Atlanta when you said that famous
line "Don't be yourself, Erin; whatever you do!!!" It sounds funny out
of context, but you remember. Ha ha. Wild times.Sometimes, I think about calling you to tell you about something,
but then I remember... It's not that I ever forget; it's just that
communication with you was such an integral part of my existence for so
long. It's like; well, it's a lot like realizing over and over again
that you lost your best friend. It hurts.Justin and I are close. Thank you for leaving him to me. I am
taking good care of him. He is kind of a handful. Hee hee. I feel
fortunate that we have each other's support in coping with this.
Pikachu is well too. He says hello; oh yeah and "Pika!" Damn, I miss
you!!!I don't know what else to say. When I stop to think about why I am
doing this, it turns into an existentialist discussion inside my head.
Then I miss you even more, because I so did value your existentialistic
input. Well, your questions are answered or vice versa as your lyrics
would have it. It is still strange and I still miss you. I love you. I
love you. I love you

Hi Precious,The lights on the treeI wish you could see.I wish it every day.The logs on the firefill me with desireto see you and to say, thatI wish you Merry Christmas,Happy New Year too.If I had one wish on this Christmas,I wish I were with you.I wish I were with you.Merry Christmas, Darling.I love you with all my heart.Linger,Grandma

My Darling,You must have been there with open arms this morning to welcome
Sandi to paradise. I can imagine your deep conversations about life,
love, metaphysics and all things beautiful, spiritual and thoughtful.
Of course, you both know the answers to all your questions now. Ms.
Lofton said to me when you left us, "I have found comfort in thinking
that We have everything to lose with Xander gone, but Xander has
everything to gain." It is that way with Sandi, she had everything to
gain, and you gained a reunion with one you have loved all your life.I don't know what will happen with your web site now that Sandi is
gone, but while it is up I want to post a poem that you sent to me, and
also part of my response to it. You wrote the poem back in March of
2002, and like so much of what you wrote and said, it seems that you
knew your time here was short. The poem is:DRAGONFLY HEARTI wonder how I'll ever find the answersWhen I don't know which questions to ask?I wonder how I'll escape the web of you,When I still have miles to go, and so much to do?I wonder where do I go from here,If I can't go there with you?How will I ever explain, and make clearThis sad blue-green sea in me I've seen?How can I know that you know what I mean?I will stand on the edge of the landAnd let the sun on my face speak for me.I'll cover my soul with diamond-dust sand,And wash away, unnoticed with the tide.Until someday, someoneWill find the message of meIn a bottleOn some distant shore.XanderI was touched, and a bit concerned when I read your poem, and wrote back:"Hi Precious,Am I reading more into your poem than you intended to say? Probably
am, but you are such a heart string to me that I sometimes do that.Anyway, the message of you will not only be found on a distant
shore. The messsage of you is right here, right now, this moment in
time. You are the message! The message will survive forever in your
music and words, and many are those on distant and near shores who will
be touched by your insight and cheered by your joy in life. You have
been given the tools to make a difference in this world and to touch
lives of those who love you deeply (like me) and those who only know
you through your written words. The blue green sea in you is not easily
explained because it is a restless expectancy that gives you the
sensation of endless.Endless is motivational, makes you want to write, play piano,
compose, sing, dance, study, run with the wind, explore your feelings
and imagine all the possiblities with some sort of wonder. It makes you
stand in awesome reverence and joyful exuberance. It is the catch in
your breath when you look upon the ocean, or experience the breath of
freedom that comes on a sunny day when you stand on the edge of the
land with the sun on your face. It is the feeling you experienced when
you wrote poetry to the great tree as you caressed its bark with your
piano-soft hands. . . . I am probably putting too much significance
into a beautiful and touching poem that was written in a pensive
moment, but concern is Grandma's job.:)Now to a lighter subject, two more days until Easter Break! Can't wait to see you. I love you too much!!!Linger,Grandma"Oh my Darling! I still love you too much, and must remind myself
daily that "you had everything to gain." I just ache with missing you,
and I guess I always will until I, too, am reunited with you in
eternity. I love you.Linger,Grandmap.s. Give Sandi my love.

Hey, XanderI understand that I might not be able to talk to you on this open
forum too much longer, because it's operator came to see you. I hope
you gave Sandi props on the excellent job that she did keeping this
exchange page. *gulp* Alive. Bless her a thousand times. I'm sure she
is happy to be reunited with you. (I did not know Sandi very well, but
I want to extend my condolences and prayers. Please try to have courage
in these difficult times. )I hope that someone out there is computer savvy and motivated
enough to continue this wonderful page for you. I personally find that
this has been a comforting alternative to lying in bed at night and
thinking of you for over an hour before finally being able to go to
sleep. I remember how you used to suffer from insomnia and I could
never quite relate. Well, I can assure you that I now understand all
about insomnia. I continue to miss you. I suppose you know that. I
suppose you can see in, around, and through all the facets of this
mortal existence. It must be endless amusement the way we all scurry
around worried about this and that drama. Perhaps from afar, the cyclic
nature of the human experience is laughably evident; like when you know
how a movie is going to end only fifteen minutes into it. There are
probably way cooler things to watch on the paradise channel. HOWEVER,
since you are my friend, I fully expect you to rent the episodes of my
Life when they come out on Dvd, the second Tuesday of every month, at
Heaven's Blockbuster. I like to think you are watching, although you
have your own afterlife to attend to.Well, I'll probably call you in my head later, so PLEASE ANSWER
YOUR PSYCHIC PHONE! I love you, Xander. Wish me luck this year. I love
you.

xander
i'm sure you have found sandi by know it comfortes me to know that you
and she are having those intelligental converstions ou both loved so
much. she loves you so much and was with me from day one of my pregency
of you and she like i fell so in love with you from the start. love her
as i know you do. with all my love to you. i miss you more and more
every day. and its suppose to get easier but i find it gets harder, i
keep thinking somewhere in my mind that you will come home, but the
realizion of the hard to accept truth is you are at home. i miss you ,
my friend, my sonshine, my sppirit and soul. you are always with me amd
i know i cry tears, selfish tears, in the knowlege of you being some
where so wonderful that is is beyound comprehension, at least mine and
its not mine to know until it is my time, i no longer fear death as it
will bring you closer to me. i love you more than any words can express
only GOD KNOWSHOW much love i have you and for sandi and forgod. i miss you i love you, i love you so muchyour mother who was
luckey enough to have you be a part of my worldl,and you will always
be....love for ever xander-con...mommy mom

XANDER POETRYWritten in August 1995ON THIS DAY OF POSSIBILITIESOn this the day of possibilities,I shall sleep.Dreaming without it coming true.And on this the day of death,I shall live.

Hey, Xander.I am glad to see this page still up. I continue to love and miss
you. I think about you every day still. I wish you were here. I
remember you singing that song and doing your own rendition on the
piano. I wish it did not have its current meaning. Life is turning out
oddly. Every passing year brings new suprises and I realize that this
is growing up. Josh Cliff took his own life. It makes me mad. Everyone
is different. Everything is different. I am still in touch with
Candace, though and Justin lives just a block away. We will not lose
touch.I feel so grateful to have had you in my life, if even for such a
relatively short time. I am such a better person for it. I notice
little Xanderisms in my behavior sometimes and I see that they are an
inescapable part of who I am. I've been so down from losing you. I am
beginning to recover a bit. I am putting my heart into school and
trying to be the best version of myself as I can. I've been dancing
more; sometimes in the mirror, the way you did. You liberated me so
much. It has taken a long time for me to get past the bitterness of
this. The whys keep coming, but I truly realize how little I can do to
bring you back. Therefore, I had to surrender to gratitude that you
ever were and that you chose to love me. The fact that you loved me,
sometimes lifts me out of depression into understanding of my own worth
and beauty. I just want to thank you. For everything. Your influence
made me see how I, too can shine. You taught me to fearlessly sing at
the top of my lungs. You taught me how to surrender to beauty
wholeheartedly. You taught me how to push my supposed limits. You
taught me how to believe in my own version of god. Through your
eccentricities, I saw my own hidden insanities manifested and learned
how to embrace them as "character" I remember the sleepless nights we
spent together, analyzing the undeniable majesty of our existence and
wading through the murky waters of self-doubt that threatened to drown
our potential. You showed me how to believe in myself relentlessly.
Because of you, I understand the importance of living my truth.
Candace, Justin, and I will not let you down. We will tell others. We
will play your music. We will recite your poetry. We will change lives.
You will continue to change lives. Your influence will be strongly felt
in this world. I guarantee that.

Xander,Today I went to court with your grandparents. This was a very hard
thing for all of us to do. We saw first hand the man who left his truck
in the middle of the bridge that horrible evening! Your grandparents
both sat quiet with tears in their eyes. I too could not hold back my
tears. Such an injustice that you are gone and we are looking at a man
whom feels sorry for himself and doesn't see what he has taken away! It
is so hard not to walk up to him and try to make him feel the hurt and
pain in everyone's heart! I think that we all know, that he will never
feel this pain. You will be glad to know how strong your grandparents
are. Your mom was so ill that she was unable to make it and I'm glad
that she didn't because I don't know if she could have sat in the same
room as he. I took my puppy outside today and he has a mind of his own!
He was flying by the seat of his pants from one side of the yard to the
next. This is how I invisioned your future, now that I have gotten to
look into a window of what your life was before you were taken away! My
heart breaks. We will continue to fight for whatever "justice" or
injustice we can get through our court system for you.

Hi
my name is annie i dont know who Xander is but Mrs.Donna came to my
school today(vilonia jr. high) and showed us the pasting of her
daughter on a slide show and told the class it would be nice to view
this website so i am! its a very beautiful site and i think its great
to have this so people can express there feelings about Xander i just
wanted to say that my prayers and love is with Xanders family and
Thanks Mrs.Donna you made a differnce today in class i was NEVER
planning on drinking and driving becuase i have also lost a friend VERY
CLOSE TO MY HEART but it just amazed me how you could do this as a job
thank you so much! You are great and i look up to....and i am in the
FADD...Friends Aginst Durnk Driven!! God Bless Everyone!AnnieAge:13

Xander,Was bored today so I thought I'd google all my old friends from
high school, and I found this site... I had no idea. I wish so much
that I had kept in touch with you after graduation; I think the last
time I saw you was Thanksgiving break 2000 at Julie Rees' house. I
still have pictures of you singing and dancing! I'm so sorry that I
didn't keep in touch, but I will always and forever have memories of
you... lunchtime in the choir room, play rehearsals (picture of us in
the girls dressing room with full makeup and my teased hair!), senior
all night party, hanging out at Joe Muggs... but of course what I
remember most is your laugh - loud, strong and infectious (sometimes at
inappropriate times, but that's okay).I miss you and love you,Angela

NEVER FORGET MENever forget me.Let my smilehaunt your dreams.Until thereare no moredreams or smiles.And rememberwho you are,though theymight give youmany names.Xander

Hey, XanderToday, as I was riding the train to school, I started singing Time.
I think I remember all of the words. It made me very sad. I feel funny,
like I should write some dazzling, flowery ode to you again, but
actually, to tell the truth, I feel sort of drained. I felt those same
old feelings wash over me again. I miss you I miss you. I thought about
whether or not anyone else will ever know the words to Alladin and
Jasmine's A Magic Carpet Ride and sing the duet with me. I wonder if
anyone else I meet will delight in singing Belle's theme from Beauty
and the Beast. Will there ever again be another person who will confess
to knowing all of the Mariah Carey B sides, but poke fun at her trite
subject matter in the same breath? I also thought about how I should
grab the next person I saw and insist that they listen to me sing Time
to them, but I didn't. I had to go to class. I think that I will go to
the Rainbow Gathering this summer. I want Candace to see it. I remember
when we went together and how magical it was to see you see it. I will
speak of you and sing your songs when I am there, as well. I will share
the legendary magic of Xander. But I so miss the tangible magic of
Xander. Even more, I miss the tangible plain old Xander who had
messed-up hair in the morning and worried about his complexion. I love
you so much. I don't want to lament here. I want this to be a sacred
place of thanks and praise and love. Therefore, I will close this, as I
feel those aforementioned lamentations resounding in my head.You're Sweet, like chocolate, boyYou bring me so much joyYou're sweet like chocolate ohhh(and other dance anthems we sang)LoveErin

Xander,Please forgive my lack of communication. It's not that I haven't
been thinking of you for the last several months. It has been
absolutely the opposite. My mind never seeems to wander very far
without stopping on some memory of you each day, really. Only, right
after your death, I was starting a new teaching job, and perhaps as a
result of the pure shock and denial I was feeling I threw myself into
my new job and tried to force you out of my mind. But you don't just
love Xander for 14 years and go about your life as if nothing much had
happened. Perhaps now as some of the shock has abated, my heart is
being allowed to grieve at last, and you seem more in the forefront of
my thoughts than ever before. My mind still hopelessly tries to wrap
itself around the whole situation and try to answer those questions
which are never fully answered. I miss you. I really, really miss you.
It always seemed that at times when things seemed hopeless, or so full
of painful emotions, that you could console and comfort with an almost
unhuman ability. It hurts that the one person who could bring you out
of despair like no other is the one who is gone. And so instead I
linger on your music, your poetry, and memories of your smile, your
optimism and your love. It helps somewhat, but the pain, I think, will
only diminish with time.All my love,Ben

the sun's sinking low to a tangerine skydoin' eighty on I-40, man, it feels like I can flytwenty miles from Memphis, I'm rehearsing in my carthey're lining up to see me, baby, born to be a stargot lyrics in my head and I know the chords by heartleavin' Arkansas behind cause tonight's a brand new startready for my coronation when I stand upon that stagea poetic culmination like a bird free from his cageI'll be blinded by the spotlight,I'll be lifted by the beatgot a ticket to the top and man this road's a one-way streetway back when forever been preparing for this chancegonna make 'em sing along, gonna make 'em scream and danceI heard Memphis, man, it's heaven when they finally call your nameand you stand there in the light and you know just why you cameand your life before then flashes and it's all led up to thisand the world around you's fading and all you know is blissand come tomorrow morning when the whole world can't forgetknow my ride is just beginning and you ain't seen nothing yet*Inspired by Xander... I didn't know him but wish that I had...Bryan

I
was browsing on the internet this morning before I went to work, and I
decided to see if Xander's site was still on here. I am so sorry to
hear about Sandi. I didn't know her very well, but what I did know was
that she was a wonderful lady and everyone who knew her loved her. I
have been thinking about Xander a lot lately because someone I went to
high school with was killed by a drunk driver last weekend.Xander, I still have your pictures on my dashboard, and I still
think about you all the time. Your cd still enters my cd player at
least once a week. Just wanted to let you know I love you and still
think about you. I miss you.Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt D, I love you all, too. Dad said
something about coming to the lake when school let out. Hope to see you
soon. I miss you all, and I love you.

Xander,I'm finally getting around to writing in here....The few memories i had with you, now run through my mind every
single day. Especially, the time at the lake when you TERRIFIED me with
that crazy bear story! I wish there were more memories. Every time i
think of you I always imagine you preparing to dive off the top of
castle rock! You were always the brave one! .... Though I am unable to
recall as many times together as others, you still inspire me! Through
your music, your poetry, your determination, and your love. I have
learned from you. I have learned that faith is constantly growing, if
you allow it to. And that time is very valuable, every second of your
day should be applied towards something. Most of all Xander, what you
have done for me. Is given me a reason. A reason to make good
decisions, a reason to discover my talent, a reason to accept, a reason
to love, but most of all.... a reason to live! A good friend once told
me ... "You have to live, for those who can't!"I still talk to you every day, Xander! My best friend loves your
music as well. One night after work i was listening to it (which i do
nearly every day) and he was curious as to what it was and i told him.
That night we sat out on the tailgate and found the brightest star in
the sky and named it after you. Sometimes he'll call on a cloudy night
looking for the star and i always tell him... look for the only one
shining!You really were many peoples shining star. Now you will forever be mine! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SOOOOOOOO SOOO MUCH!Grandma and Grandpa!-I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I really wish we could spend so much more time
together. Hopefully we will make it down to the lake this summer! That
would be great. I miss you!!!

Xander,I'm finally getting around to writing in here....The few memories i had with you, now run through my mind every
single day. Especially, the time at the lake when you TERRIFIED me with
that crazy bear story! I wish there were more memories. Every time i
think of you I always imagine you preparing to dive off the top of
castle rock! You were always the brave one! .... Though I am unable to
recall as many times together as others, you still inspire me! Through
your music, your poetry, your determination, and your love. I have
learned from you. I have learned that faith is constantly growing, if
you allow it to. And that time is very valuable, every second of your
day should be applied towards something. Most of all Xander, what you
have done for me. Is given me a reason. A reason to make good
decisions, a reason to discover my talent, a reason to accept, a reason
to love, but most of all.... a reason to live! A good friend once told
me ... "You have to live, for those who can't!"I still talk to you every day, Xander! My best friend loves your
music as well. One night after work i was listening to it (which i do
nearly every day) and he was curious as to what it was and i told him.
That night we sat out on the tailgate and found the brightest star in
the sky and named it after you. Sometimes he'll call on a cloudy night
looking for the star and i always tell him... look for the only one
shining!You really were many peoples shining star. Now you will forever be mine! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SOOOOOOOO SOOO MUCH!Grandma and Grandpa!-I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I really wish we could spend so much more time
together. Hopefully we will make it down to the lake this summer! That
would be great. I miss you!!!

HI,
Xander. It will be your birthday in only eight days. I remember,
because mine in on the 17th too. Maybe I would remember even if it
wasn't. I miss you. The other day I was thinking about my interactions
with people and I realized that the terms in which I was thinking of
them never existed with you. My relationship with you was oftentimes
NO-holds-barred brutal honesty for growth or hurt feelings or even a
little of both. It was always you that I looked to to reaffirm my
sanity. I always figured that even if I was crazy, you were just a
little crazier. Therefore, everything would be alright and if you could
deal with the world at large then so could I. Well, I deal, but to tell
you the truth, things were a lot different for me when you were around
to confide in. When everyone leaves the house I sing really loud. And
sometimes I wonder why I don't sing so loud when people are around. I
guess I am afraid that they would tell me to be quiet. When I think
these thoughts I remember that you didn't care about such things.
Moments like these make me miss you all over again like you left this
life only yesterday. That is all. I will come back on your birthday to
say more. So long for now. I love you still.Erin

Xander,I sit here this Saturday morning thinking about you, your mom and
your grandparents not to mention the numerous friends who are missing
you as well. I know your birthday is this Tuesday and I dread Tuesday.
I dread this week. I dread this next year as we try to see the man
charged with his 4th DWI prosecuted for his offense! I dread the
lifetime that all will have without you in it. Now that I have gotten
that off my chest I have to look into what I have come to know about
you... I rejoice in being introduced to what an inspiring young man you
were. I rejoice that I have been blessed to meet your family. I rejoice
that you have touched so many lives that people don't live their lives
in the same way they used to taking the people they love for granted. I
rejoice that I read friends and family are making better decisions due
to your needless tragedy. I rejoice in people sitting on tail gates of
trucks naming stars after you and finding the brightest one for you. I
rejoice that people who haven't gotten to meet you are writing poetery
on this site because someone has lead them to this site in your honor
and as a love memorial. Xander, although your body is gone your spirit
still lives... it lives within each one that thinks of you and carries
the xanderisims of you each day of their life. I love Erin though I
have never met her, I want to see her dancing and singing at the top of
her lungs and living life to the fullest just as you inspired so many
of your friends to do! You are truly missed and loved. So much it has
been hard for many to think of continuing to live without you. That is
the hardest thing is when you love someone so much you can't live
without them but you know how much YOU Xander would want everyone to
continue living life to the fullest because thats Xander! We Miss
you... So many people see your picture through me and my presentations.
You XANDER... will never be forgotten and thank you for being with us
in spirit to help to carry us through the life we try to live without
you.I can't help to think about you daily...Donna

Xander,I just got home from work and i was thinking about you. I figured I
would come write before i went outside to sing happy birthday to you :)
(in about ten minutes) I am wearing chads strength bracelet tomorrow
because I know I will think about you a lot just like I always do.Happy Birthday and I Love You!-Krystle

STILL YOUNGI'm still youngand somehow I'll always be.There's a little part of methat is forever free.The wind moves over the sea,through the trees, and through me.And night falls over my shoulderslike a costume,as I begin to play out my dreamsunder the stars.Xander

Happy Birthday Precious,Last night I stayed up until midnight and acknowledged that moment
when my birthday ended and yours began. It was a ritual that you and I
have joyfully celebrated together many times, and somehow I know you
were there with me last night also.A line from one of your songs, Our Arms, keeps playing in my head,
"If I die tomorrow, that will have to be okay. I'd rather focus on the
fact that I feel so alive with you today." You certainly did make me
feel alive when I was with you, always happy and so proud to be with
you. You kept me young and gave me joy beyond words to tell.My heart will never heal from your absence in my life, but having
you here for those wonderful, too-short 22 years is such a blessing.
I'll love you forever, world without end.Linger,Grandma

Today
I am down... After reading Wilma's posting I have tears... Tears are
all I have today, I wish that there were more that I could say...Wilma,
I never knew that your birthday's ran together. What wonderful memories
you must have... Xander, I want to say happy birthday but we are not
happy without you here. I wish I had never met your family because I
know the circumstances I meet people I would have never known under. I
know everyone is truly greatful for the time they did have with you...
I am heartbroken for the time they have lost due to a destructive
decision one man made. My heart is with everyone today... I'm going to
try to get my head out of the down mode and get some xanderism crankin
up!!! Thats exactly what I need today, I guess thats why I visited your
site today. : )Donna

Happy
Birthday, Xander. I wish you were here for me to tell you, but I am
sure you are celebrating your birthday in a much better way than you
could down here. I miss you, and I love you.Grandma, if you read this, I sent you an ecard (Sorry I am a day late.) Happy late birthday to you, too. I love you.

HI,
Xander. Happy birthday. I've cried already quite a lot today, but I'm
sure I will some more. I know you don't want me to cry. Well, maybe you
do, just not too much. I must apologize in advance. I'm almost certain
to cry "too much" What can I say? I realize that the realization has
sunken in as much as it is going to and that amount is never going to
be "fully" I miss you so much. I listen to this Gloria Gaynor song that
you introduced me to:I never knew. "I never knew, right beside me there
was an angel. I never knew. You gave my heart the wings to fly. Because
of you, everything in my life is changing..." Today marks the day that
twenty three years ago something INCREDIBLY special occured: You were
born. If any day should be a holiday, for me, it would be today. I
celebrate your birth as vehemently as I celebrate my own. I remember
that you liked the word: vehemently (with fervor) I love you. I want to
talk about the things that we used to talk about. I want to be able to
skip lots of explanatory sentences when I talk because I know the
person listening already knows those things. I want to be able to move
on to discussions that I HAVEN'T had before. I want you to be here to
take me there. Isn't that selfish? I want you to ask me if I like your
hair and then see you move a single, gelled strand before saying "how
about now?" I love you. Why is it as difficult today as it was several
months ago. Today I am transported to a time when I wasn't so
"adjusted" Today, I am feeling it all over again. Yesterday, I spoke to
Candace on the phone. She was driving over the Memphis bridge. She said
"wait, I'm passing over the bridge where Xander died. Let's have a time
of silence as I cross. Now that I think about it, it is ironic that you
left this life via a bridge. You always talked about the significance
of bridges: burning, building, crossing. I miss you so much. I told our
friends to come here today. I really hope they do. I know that some of
them are afraid and they won't know what to say: like a flower on the
wall, afraid to fall and simply too scared. Remember when we wrote
that? I must admit that this post has terrible grammer and punctuation.
I just want to get these things out and every time I say one thing, it
makes me think of another. I don't think you will mind. This is me
being honest. You always did tout the merits of honesty, just as
L-O-V-E is the K-E-Y key. I remember when we were brainstorming for
Charmaggeddon and other projects and I was saying: "How about: in Now,
you have Won. Then we had to talk about the implications of winning and
whether or not they were positive, because truly everyone is a "winner"
Oh. Good times. Oh Xander! Life is so crazy and malleable, yet sticky
and tricky and hard to work with at times. I love you! I must admit
that I don't listen to your music as much as I "should." It is hard. I
can't imagine saying "I'm going to listen to some Xander tunes while I
go about my day" It seems more sacred then that. I will get there. LIam
sent me a sample of "thank you for being a friend" that you had done.
It was intense hearing your voice so close. So intense, like I could
touch the waves of sound and they would be solid. Soberingly they are
not. I love you! I am crying again now and it strikes me that I am
rambling. I dedicate everything I have done and ever will do
artistically and for the good others and myself to you. Officially, my
life's work is dedicated to you and the memories we share.Wilma, I didn't know that you and Xander had interlocking
birthdays. Happy birthday to you as well. Thank you for the comment
about me being Xander's "sister" We (he and I) used to talk about that,
being as we shared a last name, and our middle names rhyme
(mine:Kathleen), and our birthdays are on the same day (different
months) We thought that it was cosmic. I hope to see you all this
summer and I will call Dee today after I finish my term paper.

Happy birthday bud.Sorry I missed this one.

http://forums.transfandom.com/invboard/index.php?act=ST&f=6&t=28489&st=0#entry260872

Sorry all the link below isnt all clicky.You will have to copy and paste it all into the browser to work.

When
I knew you...back then. I was a different person, full of fury at
nothing and anger at everything. I wasn't a good person. I behaved like
an ignorant, banal, moron.I knew you and Erin and Candace. (Sorry I don't know where this is going.)When I heard about your passing. It left me thinking about my life
and my horrid past. About regrets. Regrets are a terrible thing in
life, and I don't think you had many of them. My life is plagued by
them all, like ghost that haunt me on a hourly basis. You lived free
and I envied you for that. I was jealous of your smile.I always thought you were a nice guy, and a good person.I just never told you so. And that's another regret of mine.I wish I could heal a lot of things in my past. It's just hard getting past the scars.Perhaps all in time, I suppose.

For XanderI took a shower today As I was getting out I began to thinkIt was intense and all-at-onceToo meaningful to cry overThis is my life and has been for a whileMy memories are all things that have happened and someday I will dieIt seems so simple, but I wanted to cry I wanted to cry for profundityAll kinds of predictions are coming true in some way, yet I cannot knowWhat will happen. The days change and so does my mindMy life isn't what it once was. This isn't a judgement, just a factI am getting wiser and more silly and more alone and more socialI was once quasi-hired to inspire the greatest poet I've ever knownHe said that I was a Shams to his Rumi, but unlike that legendHe is the one who is gone and I am the one who still searches for himIn everything that is made of molecules

Xander,I know it has been a while since my last visit. I think about you
often, almost everyday. I have had so many topics on my plate the past
few months; I find my life is slowly coming out of chaos to a sense of
calm. So calm that it scares me. However, in the midst of this calm, I
realized, I didn't make it here in time for your birthday. Happy
Birthday Xander.I actually remembered it, however, I've been on a spiritual healing
of sorts and in a way you have been there with me. I think I've had you
in my thoughts everyday the past month or so. I must admit, I was in a
dark hole 4-5 weeks ago, until I made a great friend who pulled me up
and back into life. Is it any surprise that he reminds me of you in a
few important ways? That's why you've occupied my thoughts so
frequently.After hanging out one weekend with my new friend, I realized how
much I miss you and how just being in your presence made me feel. I
came home and suddenly burst into tears, my emotions overloaded. You
always gave off such a positive energy and never made me question
myself or doubt myself. You simply had a way of making me feel relaxed
to just be me. That's such a wonderful quality to have, especially on
someone like me who tends to be hard on myself.There where so many times when, for some reason or another, I just
never was sure that I "fit in" with everyone - a fish out of water. But
if you were there, you seemed to just erase those thoughts from my
head. I have met very few, if just only a handful of people that give
off such an inspiring positive radiance.My friend doesn't let me get down and out and stay withdrawn, and
you never did either. No matter how hard I would resist, you always got
me to break out of my introverted shell and have a great time,
especially when I needed it the most.I know there were times, I probably wasn't the most fun to be
around or the greatest company. You saw some of the rawness during a
very hard breakup. I feel bad for that and wish I had come to the
truths that I have today. I haven't been the person I want to be the
past several years, but slowly I'm working on bringing out the better
sides of me.Xander you always brought out the best in me. I keep that in mind
while I'm on this journey of self improvement. There are times when I
wonder, what will I have to leave behind? How will anyone know I was
here? Then I think of you, honest and truthfully. Xander you were only
a part of my life for a few years, but you have left a profound effect
on me that I will take with me always. You will always be a part of me.
So, if I can do the same to someone else...well, what a profound legacy
to leave and have passed on. Thank you for being a part of my life.Love,Bryen

I've
been dealing with this for a while now by just thinking that you faked
this whole thing. I mean, come on, Andy Kaufman faked his own death,
Elvis faked his own death, Tupak, so many others, and I think you're in
league with them. So why not Xander? I keep thinking that someday soon
I'll be somewhere and see you. I keep thinking someday I'll be
initiated to some secret masonic society and you'll be there...I miss you.

i miss u man

Xander,I know its been over a year now. I didn't see you much after high
school, but when I did, you always brightened my day. I miss you. I
miss seeing your posters at the coffee shop and thinking to myself that
someday you would be a star. Now you truly are a star, watching over us
all. I miss you, and I love you.

Good Morning Precious,The Brecheen family reunion just wasn't the same this year. In
fact, more than a few times this old Grandma shed tears, and others
also wept for memories of other reunions with you there. You were
missed. NoXanderjumping off castle rock. NoXanderswimming and diving like he was born to water. NoXandercoming in every 30 minutes to raid the refrigerator and make smoked
turkey and colby jack cheese sandwiches with a big bowl of rotel and
chips as a side. NoXanderputting up a tent or taking over a camper to party the nights away with his friends and cousins. NoXanderon keyboard when the music started. NoXanderwatching the Heber Springs fireworks with all the family. (We didn't
have to drive to the top of the mountain this year because we could see
them from our new dock.) NoXandertrying to eat some of each dish of delicious food that was brought for the family pot luck. NoXanderstaying awake, and keeping everyone else awake, so late that Grandpa sent me down to say lower the volumn. NoXander'sprecious hugs and sweet kisses. No tangibleXanderat all for the family reunion, but I know you were there, my Precious
Angel Grandson. I know how much you loved your family, and you must
know how very much your family loved, enjoyed, and adored you. You were
mentioned so many times and always in beautiful and fun context. Your
family is so blessed, proud, and forever thankful to have had you as a
part of the tree. Thank you, My Love.I will love you forever, world without end.Linger,Grandma

Hello,XanderI thought about you today. I spoke to your mother. Then, a little
later I was walking home from the park and a bird flew in front of me
and landed on the sidewalk roughly two yards away. As I continuted
walking this bird would continue to fly into the air a bit and land two
yards away from my advancing stride. And then again and again. It might
have happened three times or four, but it happened enough to bring me
to think of the bird and its spirit and "is this a message fromXander? IsXanderin that bird?" Then a voice came to me that sounded like mine only wiser. It said "Xanderis in that bird as he is in all things" The spirit ofXandercannot be confined to a single spirit entity. It saturates all that is.Xanderis part and parcel with the world at large, as large as it may be. You,
Erin cannot claim to be privy to the secret of what is "really" going
on in this crazy world or the truth of spirits or divine entities.
However, you can say for sure that the world as you do know it. The
world that you experience. The only world that your current ego is ever
going to know, is one that is wholly saturated with the spirit ofXander."As I heard that voice or as I write these words, I feel that I have
touched something very central to the nature of being. Thank youXander.

heyxander.i put one of your songs on a compilation.you should check it out.http://ourrecords.tripod.com

A
year ago tomorrow. It seems like it hasn't been a year, but then again
it seems like it has been an eternity. I am not really sure. Maybe it
was because I didn't see you alot the last few years because we were
both busy with school and other things. I was in Florida on vacation
when dad called me to tell me the news. I am leaving for Florida next
Saturday. It almost scares me. I am afraid that if I go back to Florida
that I will wake up and get a call that something bad has happened. But
then again, I trust God, and if it were someone's time to be called
home then it wouldn't matter whether I were in Florida or here in
Louisiana. I am trying not to let myself get superstitious. Anyways, I
just wanted to get on here and let you know that I still think of you
probably every day, and I am sure, no, POSITIVE I will for years and
years to come. It's so sad how when I had you here to call, I talked to
you a few times a year, and now that you are not here, I wish I could
call you every day. I let me friends listen to your music all the time.
Everyone likes it. Some cry (especially when I start crying). I miss
you. I love you.

HiXanderIt has now officially been a year since you have been gone.
Almost. There are still about ten hours to go, when you figure in the
time difference and the approximation factor. I can't believe that I
have made it a year without you. I just don't know what to say.
Tomorrow/today will surely be a day like most other days. I have to
work. School is starting in three days (on my birthday this year) I
just can't seem to have a "good" birthday. I think that I will take a
moment of silence or something. I will be at work, so it will be hard
to do it to the hour, but maybe before or when I get home. I was
thinking that maybe I would light a candle and sit in the dark and cry.
It has been a little while since I've cried. Well, I guess not now, as
I just started to cry. I miss youXander.
I guess I don't miss you in that howling, tragic, desperate way that I
did a year ago, but still, I miss you. I miss you in that quiet, dull,
and hollow way. I miss you in that resigned yet aching way. I miss you
in that way that knows that wishing is in vain. I miss you in a way
that knows that you aren't coming back. It is hard to make new friends,Xanderwhen you are the standard by which I guage meaningful connections. I
guess i have to settle for a bit less when it comes to human
interaction, but I have a hard time spending time with people who don't
live up to your greatness. I don't spend too much time with people as
you might imagine. I have so much that I want to tell you. I found a
new artist. I just know that you would love her. She is going to go on
tour with Seal in the fall. Her name is Hope. She has a song on
www.hearhope.com. It really touched me. I know that you would love it.
Mariah CArey came out with a new album. Do you believe it? She is
ghetto fabulous. Madonna will most likely have new one before too long.
I listen to a lot of the music that we used to listen to together. I
like the uplifting dance anthems that took us through many a crazy
evening. Oh god! As the memories and the reality set in, it hurts sooo
much again. So much. I can't do this right now. I have to go to bed and
sleep. I can't keep myself awake missing you. Tomorrow, I will pay
homage to your memory. I might even write on here again, but for now it
is too late/early and too painful. I need a little time to remember and
forget simultaneously (if that makes any sense) I shall be back,
perhaps in very few hours. I love you,XanderErin

My Precious Xanderiffic Angel,One Year!Early this morning I visited your grave and left you a single rose.
I turned the volume up on the stereo and played "I'm Flying Like an
Angel" for you. I love you so much! I miss you!One Year!This time last year you were still with us. I was at your house
helping the nurse with your Mom when you ran in and asked me to move
the nurse's car so you could back your Jeep in and load your equipment
for your performance in Memphis.One Year!Later that Saturday afternoon I came back to tell you good bye and
to ask you to be careful driving to Memphis. You were excited and ready
to go. You said "Don't you think I look great, Grandma?" I told you
there was a tiny little ink spot on the side of your shirt and you
said, "I'll be so marvelous that no one will notice that little spot."
You leaned over your Mom's bed and kissed her and said, "I love you,
Mom. I love you sooo much!"One year!You and I walked together through the living room. We both said our
I love yous, I said my be carefuls, and then we embraced and kissed
goodbye. My lips were the last to touch that precious face. You got
into your Jeep and I, wanting to delay your leaving for just a minute
more, opened the front door. You jumped out of your Jeep and said,
"What is it, Grandma?" I said, "Knock 'em dead, Baby!" You flashed me
that wonderful smile, gave me a happy thumbs up, backed your Jeep out
and left on your drive to Memphis--the drive that took you to Paradise.One year!At about ten p.m. August 14th, I tried to call you but got your
message. I thought you had the phone off because you were performing,
not knowing that it, like you, was burned to ashes on the Memphis
bridge. I went to bed at 10:15 and prayed for God to keep you safe, not
knowing that you had been in His arms for three hours.One year!At 4:30 a.m. Mom and Rowdy drove out to let us know about your
accident. I actually felt the earth shift on its axis when she spoke
the words that ended our life as we had lived it before. Grandpa kept
saying, "Oh No! Oh No! Oh No!" Rowdy broke down and had to leave, and
in the middle of feeling like my life had ended too, I felt such sorrow
for Mom trying so hard to be brave for us. We turned on the Memphis
news just at 5 a.m. and the lead story was your accident. In the news
report your Jeep was sitting on the bridge burning. Oh My God! Oh my
precious Baby!One year!It has been hard, and it has been slow, but I have learned to give
thanks for all that you left us. I have typed and bound over 500 of
your insightful and spiritual poems. You left hundreds of cds of your
beautiful voice and gifted piano hands playing your music. We have so
many wonderful, movie-star quality, great-looking pictures of you, my
gorgeousXander. You have friends and loved ones who keep in touch with us, and with you through thismemorialpage, and you left us a lifetime of wonderful memories and so, soooo
much love. And you left us your beautiful and sweet Spirit to help us
through the hard days and nights of weeping. Thank you, My Love.One year!I could write all day and not begin to tell you what you are to me
and what your life meant to so many who love you, but I will end this
with part of a poem by Emily Dickinson that you loved enough to include
in your writings. It speaks of you and who you are.My candle burns at both ends.It won't last through the night.But oh my friends, and oh my foes,It gives a lovely light.I will love you forever, world without end.Linger,Grandma

Xander,Your picture was in the paper yesterday, and I just can't believe that you have been gone for a whole year now.This is going to sound weird, but I had a dream about you a couple
of months ago that really touched me. You see, I have this reoccurring
nightmare where I'm on the Titanic and it's going down. Well, I was
having this dream, and here you came,Xander--calm
and cool out of the blue. The instant I saw you, I realized the ship
around me was all a dream, but you were real. You started multiplying.
I think there were at least three or four of you around me. I got the
sense that you were everywhere, and you could talk to many different
people at the same time. (There were other people around us that I
didn't know, but you were holding perfectly good conversations with
them all even as you were talking to me.) I hugged you and told you I
loved you. We were able to communicate without moving our mouths. It
was something like mind-speak, I guess. I got the sense that you knew
everything and I could ask you anything. I had all sorts of questions
to ask, but you told me you couldn't stay long. The last thing I
remember is you holding a large blue bowl. After waking from this
dream, I consulted a dream dictionary about the blue bowl. It meant
something like "security or faith in heaven." Since having that dream,
I have felt better. I've read on your message board that other people
have had similar experiences, like Erin and her bird, and I think you
are trying to tell us that you really are with us all.It was really hard sitting in the auditorium at Les Miserables at
JHS. I had been Fantine to your Javert, when we did Les Mis with the
Youth Rep under Mark LandonSmith'sdirection. You were amazing as Javert! I remember that there was a line
in the script where Javert was supposed to say "Damn you, Valjean!"
Well, being the Youth Repertory, MarkSmithchanged your line to "Darn you, Valjean!" During our final rehearsal,
as you were waiting in the wings for your entrance, you whispered to
all of us that you were going to change the line back! We all held our
breaths as we watched you make your entrance on stage and yell that
cuss word as loud as you could! I believe that was the last line of Act
1, and the minute the stage went dark, you scampered off like a
squirrel, laughing in the way that only you could. MarkSmithwas not so amused, but we all exploded in laughter. It is just one of those specialXandermoments.I think about you often. No one in my life has ever made me laugh
as much as you did. You simply dazzled, and I will miss you forever. My
life would not have been the same without you. I read yourMemorialPage from time to time, and it never ceases to amaze how greatly you touched so many lives.I love you,Lisa

Never
have I met someone more caring, more outgoing, someone who loved life
so much, someone who could light up a room with a laugh. I miss you,Xander.
I miss your smile, your laugh, your voice. I walk around campus and
expect to see fliers for your next show...and then I realize that there
will be no more. Its been a year. A long year. I feel like I should
have gone out of my way to get in touch with you. I have all of these
regrets about what I should have done when you were here...but its too
late. I know that one day I will see you again, and I can apologize
face to face... I miss you.

Well
its been a year and month. I listen to your cd that I bought from your
mom last Christmas a bunch, especially last summer. It helped me
through a rough spot in my life, one that I still am not complete over,
but a vast improvement.When I listen to that cd its like you right here with me. Your
energy and spirit that you poured into its production makes me think
"Gosh, its hard to believe he's actually gone."I wish I would have been able to talk to you, or maybe shared some
of your wisdom before you left us. I wish I could start to see what
this all means (Your words, not mine). Maybe part of what you left for
us here on earth is the wisdom and strength in your songs. I just wish
you could have given us a bit more detail. But I guess life is what you
truly make of it and its something for us to go out and see what it is
for ourselves. Like you used to do.Well, I think thats all I have to say. Maybe you could become a
muse and inspire other artists and reveal to us your secrets. Just a
thought.

FROM OUT OF THE SUNWe all watch,our fears quenched by the sight of you,A shadowy speck of a Phoenixflying from out of the sun,out from the center of lost love,silhouetted by the immenseblinding torch behind you.We sit enraptured asyou wipe the ashes from your browand tell the story of your journey,so that we toomight someday bravely don our wingsand at lastnot be afraidto burn.Xander

Maybe that some day we would all see the beauty of death.

well,
sorry i haven't ssaid much lately. been working and doing this and
that. I stil have your pics, and i showed a few of them to my friends
and they thought the pics were georgous, yeah, they are aren't they.
well, i really don't know what to say but only to keep your voice up
high and we will see you when we all get called home. till then be
safe, love always, gen

Xander,It's hard to believe that you are gone now. You were a beacon of
light in so many people's lives. I am happy that I got a chance to know
you again before I left Jonesboro.

My lovelyXander,Your cd has been in my car since I left. The last thing I told you
was that I love you. I'm so glad. I just now found out that I can't
hear the light in voice again, almost a year too late.I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry. I can't explain to you all that my heart has to say to you.You changed my life. You saved me and my mom in so many ways. I
have a head and heart so full of gorgeous memories. And only an "I love
you" as our goodbye.Your car...oh that car! It was crazy driving around with you back
and forth from Memphis. Music CRANKED. The only thing louder was your
voice.The ball...you looked more fabulous than me that night. And I've never felt happier.Lunches, concerts, clubs.The way your hair was so curly and thick I could barely get my fingers through it.And your talent. You were touched by the hand of God. Sitting at
any and all pianos you could get your hands on. And letting something
greater and more beautiful than all of us sing out. I wanted you to
meet my guy. He reminds me so much of you.So I'll say to you the only way I ever left it with you. I miss you."I Love You"

how
i miss you. every molecule of my being changed that distane yellow
yesterday when you weren't so far away. now i understand so many of the
lessons you were tring so hard to teach me. those life lessons, heart
sounds, feelings deeper than one can feel. what perfection you are. of
course as the mommy mom i always thought you were 'all that and a bag
of chips', i just did'nt realize the extent of your influence, the
deepth of your knowlege, the magnatude of your love. how i miss you,
more every day, its harder now than it was a year ago. i guess for the
past 14 months i felt i could fix it, figure out how to get you home,
help you save you, find that path to heaven and bring you back. i know
that is all irrational but as when people try with good intentions try
to tell me, you are forever young, perfect and flyin like an angel,
doing things, being, what we on earth can not comprehend. as we
shouldn't be able to, thats what makes the spirtual afterlife such a
mircle, the not knowing. i know rational. but emotion rules my spirit,
my soul, my longing for you. and emotion is anything and everything but
rational. i love you. that hollow hurting i feel constationly, is not
something i want to 'get over'. why would i want to get over you. i
allow my grief to be, to remember, to love you constantly. i've been
reading rumi, and have been seeing why your "kindred heart" friends
said you were the rumi to their shams. you are forever, your music,
your words, i hope to be able to compile and share with the world as i
know you had knowledge and the ability to share it beyond my
comprehension. the world could benifit so much hearing, reading your
wise words. xanderisms. as i read one book you left me about rumi, i
started writting free verse about you and how i could try to help
others know you and hear your words. i wrote the first poem i've
written since that summer of 2000 when you left for nashvagas,belmont.
as at that time i thought my heart was breaking, how ignornat i was, i
am. there is no way to explain this pain, and you hope, pray, that no
one should ever have to. oh, sometimes i fall asleep just to steal a
kiss.my poem, my message, my thought for my love. never will i be the
same, my world is colder, darker, and so much more lonely. we loved
each other uncontionally, you thought i was pretty, you believed in me,
and i always in you. my friend, my teacher, my love, my son, never will
i know that kind of love again. someday, we will met and talk and hug
and laugh and love without our voices making a sound, heart sounds only
and that will be enough, how i miss you.MISSING YOUyou are sitting next to mewho, what, when, where,you became.you come to me, you comfort me.more than one should ever have to understand.do not ask 'why' or 'how'.we do not want this magic to disappear.just accept this gift God gives us.God's endless love.for you,for me,for we.the image, the smell, the feel, of you to me.i ache, i miss,the hand of God comforts me, my heart is full.i love better,wiser,fuller, more than i could ever explaini am in god.god is in me.you are now a part of God in a way no mortal could understand, no i don't truely understand, i just 'know' i accept.no going back.no moveing towardyou arei amwe are lovei am in GodGod is in me.you are Gods hand.He allows it to be,as only love can do.God is love,Love is Godly.you arei amwe.all three are loveand all are complete.loving you forever, mommy momforgive my grammer, my spelling, my feeble attempt to commicate my
wanting to illuminate as this humble student beings to try to
understand, really understand the teacher,the master wordsmith. nothing will ever hurt me as this loss has,
this pain, ache, longing, amazes me daily, that i do not die. you would
think that to feel this pain so intensely to toe the line between
insanity and reality, to know i move just one inch and i would
dissappear. but i maintain. i keep walking in this sand, with water
chest deep. as i believe i will see you again, be with the Lord and
hear you sing in God's heavenly band. to not believe, what madness that
would be, as then it would all be for not.no, i believe, i love, i wait to kiss that smiling beautiful face
and hear that voice that will calm me. look upon the beauty of the Lord
and be at peace. until that time i pray, i wait, i love and miss you.
forever your mommy mom.

It's
amazing how time moves after someone so special crosses over. It seems
like just the other day I was scratching my head trying to figure out
how a year had passed. Of course, I have cd's in the car & music on
my computer, and a picture on my shelf. Since we were already separated
by distance and hectic schedules, I guess it's easier to feel like I'm
simply waiting for the next time we get to visit. In a way, I suppose I
am. But that doesn't mean I'm not missing theXandermadness.side note: Dee - I've misplaced your number & address. Please send to me via e-mail or call. DMS

REMEMBER THE HOLIDAYS?Remember when the snow was crystalline sugar,and your living room at 5:30was a magic toy land?Remember when the heater was so much warmerthan the outside,when you were throwing snow balls,and then you'd rest with a cup of hot chocolate?(Don't forget the marshmallows.)Remember the mesmerizing ornamentson a bright, green tree?And how you loved and hatedwaiting for that day?And, although it was cold,everything, everyone, every placewas warm anyway?Xander

Merry Christmas My PreciousXander,Yesterday I visited your Christmas-decorated grave. I turned the
volumn up high on the car stereo and played one of your songs, Thinking
of You, for you. The words to that song express my love for you so
beautifully.You are my mind's masterpiece.You live inside my dreams,And sometimes I fall asleepJust to steal a kiss.I've been thinking, thinking of you.Thinking about all the things we can do.All the things we'll learn.I'll swim across all the riversif the bridges have burned.XanderI bought an ornament with your name and the dates inscribed on the
back and part of a poem entitled Merry Christmas from Heaven on the
front."I love you all dearlynow don't shed a tearCause I'm spending myChristmas with Jesus this year."John MooneyI gave one to your Mom too, and she and I both shed some tears, but
it comforts us, even though we miss you so deeply, to know that you are
forever with God.I love you forever, world without end, and know in my deepest heart
and soul that we will again spend Christmas together. Until thenLinger,Grandma

Xander,It's been so long. It's almost Christmas again. This time I am
going back to Jonesboro, so I suppose I will be visiting your grave for
the first time since that day. Life is so different now. I spend so
much time trying to figure out how to live in this world. Sometimes I
still think that I might call you, but then I remember although really
I think that I already knew. I think that I will be a writer, but I
don't know where this life is going to lead me or where I am going to
take it as the case may be. Listen to me. I haven't seen you in so long
and all I can do is talk about myself. Forgive me. This season reminds
me of you. I remember how you told me about how important it is not to
get sucked into the illusions of jadedness-about-the-holidays that so
many are prone to fall prey to. You reminded me that although we might
not know what we believe, we certainly should appreciate joy in all its
forms and what could be more joy-inducing than cold nights, hot drinks,
and people you love reminding you of all the reasons why... Oh
yes...All for love...in all forms.I love you,Xander. You have given me a lifetime of inspiration. WWXD (what wouldXanderdo) I think it often and I smile. Your song "Time" runs through my head
and I marvel at your insight and try to take your transcendent advice.
I love you,Xander. Merry Christmas